


don't forget i'll be fine

by noeller



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Breaking Up & Making Up, I promise they end up together, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Non-Linear Narrative, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:22:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 39,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21724447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noeller/pseuds/noeller
Summary: Isak is 17 when they get together, 18 when he starts pulling away, and 19 when Even calls it off. He's also 19 when he disappears.or: a post-break up au
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 290
Kudos: 732





	1. Chapter 1

**3 July 2018**

“I think we should break up.”

Even thinks time stops for a few seconds after he says it. It’s completely silent. He’s pretty sure Isak stopped breathing for a second.

Time starts again when Isak gasps out Even’s name, tears pouring down his face like they have been since Even sat him down. He probably knew it was coming.

It’s taking everything in his power, but Even is keeping himself composed. If he gets too emotional, he’ll let Isak talk him out of it way too easily, and that can’t happen. He made this decision days ago, and it’s final. It has to be.

“Isak, I love you. You know that I love you, and you also know that we’re both miserable. I don’t know what’s going on with you, and you aren’t ready to tell me. I’ve done everything I can to be okay with that, but I can’t do it anymore.” Even has to stop for a second to swallow the lump in his throat, but he accounted for a little emotion when he rehearsed this in his head. It’s still going the way it needs to. “We stopped keeping secrets a long time ago, and now you’ve started again. I want to be the perfect boyfriend that just stands by you until you want me to know everything, but I can’t handle it. I know this might seem incredibly selfish, but that’s what has to happen right now, because I need to take care of myself. You do too, and I think we need to take a break from each other to let that happen.”

Isak is fully sobbing by the time Even finishes, and Even lets his own tears start to fall. He’s planned this, and he’s gone over it a dozen times. He knows Isak, and he knows that laying the selfish reasons out first will keep him from arguing against this, because he would never willingly and intentionally hurt Even.

It hurts to see Isak cry, just like it always does. It hurts even more to look him in the eye, to know he’s blaming himself, to know Even is breaking his heart. He didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but he thinks he did. He has to make sure Isak understands him.

“It’s just a break, Isak. It’s just a break. You’re so young, baby, and you don’t know how to be on your own. I love you too much to let you become dependant on me. That might not make much sense to you, but it’s what happened with me and Sonja, okay? I became dependant on her when I was in a tough place, and then I stayed with her beyond the point that our relationship made me miserable, and I can’t just sit here and watch that happen to us. Do you understand?”

Isak nods, and Even’s heart hurts more than he could ever imagine it would.

“Can you promise me this is just a break? I can’t be done with us,” Isak chokes out. “And can we stay friends?”

“You’re my best friend, and nothing will ever change that.” Even grips the side of Isak’s neck the way he always does when he wants Isak to know that he’s being serious. He can see fresh tears falling when he does, but he has to make sure there are no misunderstandings. “I believe with my whole heart that we belong together in this universe. Who would we be to defy the universe?” Isak cracks a smile at that. A wet, slightly snotty smile, but a smile.

“Can you stay tonight?” Even hesitates for a second, and Isak notices. “I don’t want anything, I promise. I just need one more night with you for now.” Isak chokes on the last word, and Even can’t deny him this. He pulls Isak into his arms, feeling his heart crack at the thought of them not fitting together this way indefinitely.

“I’ll stay.”

**15 July 2018**

In retrospect, Even would’ve been better off going to his parents’ place and sleeping in his childhood bedroom until he found a better place, but emotion led him to Mikael’s place to be with his best friend, and he’s been sleeping on the couch since that night.

There’s one big pro and one big con. The con is pretty obvious, and it’s that couch sleeping for an extended period of time is not for someone of Even’s stature. He thinks his spine in misshapen now. He might get a massage or something.

The pro is that having a depressed, post-breakup lump of sadness on his couch all the time was the last straw for Mikael’s annoying roommate, and he’s moving out in just a few days. Even will be taking over his bedroom when he does.

Most of his belongings are in boxes in Mikael’s basement. He and Isak had spent most of the day after the breakup sorting through their things, deciding who gets what. They had almost called it off so many times seeing all their memories laid out in front of them, but Even didn’t let himself get that far. He’s pretty proud of how strong he stayed.

They decided on a two week period where they don’t see each other unless it’s an emergency. They’re allowed to text, but nothing with any feeling, just to check up on each other, mostly. It’s the hardest thing Even has ever done, but he knows it’s the only right thing. They’d fall right back into each other’s arms if they didn’t put some distance there. Two weeks isn’t that much, he knows, but he doesn’t think he could go longer without seeing Isak.

His friends have been literal saints through the whole thing. They haven’t let him be alone, and they aren’t letting him mope so much that he gets depressed, which was honestly a huge concern of his, and of Isak’s, judging by some of his texts. Tonight, they’ve decided to get him drunk, both as a post-relationship rite and a celebration of him moving in with Mikael.

He warns them multiple times that the wounds are still fresh, that he’s probably going to end the night a sobbing mess on the floor, but Mikael just says they’ll give him a big hug and let him cry it out if that happens, and Even feels so loved.

Apparently, though, Even has a lot of anger under the surface that the alcohol is bringing out.

“He’s literally been keeping secrets for months. Who fucking does that? I stopped keeping secrets a long time ago,” Even slurs. He hears a knock at the door, and he tries to be a good new roommate and get up to get it, but he’s way too drunk. He just falls back onto the couch, letting his head fall on Yousef’s shoulder. 

“Fuck Isak, though. Who needs him? I fucking don’t. I never wanna think about him again.” Even takes another drink. He wants to forget.

“Okay, buddy. I think you’ve had enough.” Mutta tries to take Even’s drink, but he pulls it back, splashing a little on himself in the process.

“This was your idea. You should be happy for me that I’m telling you how much I hate him instead of being sad.”

The boys are quiet for a few seconds, probably stunned that Even would say something like that. Elias whispers “you don’t mean that,” and that’s when the tears start.

He lets the drink be taken from his hand and lets himself be pulled into a hug by Yousef. Mikael rushes back into the room, and Even didn’t realize he ever left. They all surround him, trying their best to comfort him as he cries into Yousef’s shoulder. “It hurts,” he chokes out. Adam holds his hand tighter. Mikael runs a hand through his hair. Even tries to breathe. “I love him so much.”

**23 July 2018**

It takes a week after his drunken meltdown for Even to start feeling stable again, but he gets there.

His new room is finally starting to look like his. He’s unpacked all the boxes and put all his things where he wants them. He’s even displayed his DVD collection the way he never did in his shared place with Isak. Isak always prefered for things to have a place to go where they can’t be seen, which was a compromise Even was more than willing to make, but he still likes to be able to look at his collection all together again.

He bought new bed linens online because he couldn’t stop crying long enough to get them in person. He hadn’t taken any from the apartment because he knew he’d never be able to sleep in a bed that looked like theirs but was only his, and buying something like that without consulting Isak is what really solidified things in his head. They’re no longer in a relationship.

He couldn’t bring himself to text Isak after that, but Isak didn’t text him either.

Now, though, they’ve exceeded their two week rule, and Even feels okay. He wants to see Isak.

Isak’s been staying at their apartment. They agreed that was best, because Isak needed some time alone and Even needed to not be by himself. They paid the month’s rent in advance so Isak wouldn’t have to worry about that on his own, so Even knows he’s probably still there.

He has a few scenarios in mind when he knocks on the door. Isak could be alone and answer, Isak could be with friends and answer, Isak could be with friends and someone else answers, Isak could be out and no one answers. There are no scenarios that include a random girl that Even has never seen answering, but that’s what happens.

Even doesn’t know what to do for a few seconds. There’s no way Isak is close enough to this girl to let her see him in his most vulnerable state. Even would know her if that was the case. It’s definitely not some kind of rebound situation. They’re not in school, so she’s not a project partner. Even can’t make it make sense.

“Sorry, is Isak home?” The girl gets a confused look on her face.

“I don’t know an Isak. I actually live here now. I’m subletting, but not from an Isak. I’m really sorry.” She has a nice voice, melodic. Even would appreciate it if his heart wasn’t sinking to his feet right now.

“Subletting from who?” Even tries to keep his voice from shaking, but he doesn’t know if he succeeds.

“One second, I have the documents around here somewhere. I just moved in yesterday, so it’s a huge mess in here. I’m sure you get that.” The girl rifles through some papers, and Even feels his eyes burning. There’s no way this was an impulse decision. It would have taken time to get a new person on their lease, and get this place ready to sublet, and find a tenant who they obviously don’t know, which means he advertised. This isn’t Isak leaving a place that had too many memories after the breakup. This is Isak hiding from something.

“Here, Jonas Vasquez. I hope that helps,” the girl says, but Even barely hears it over the ringing in his ears. He thanks her just so she’ll close the door and Even can be alone.

He could go see Jonas, but there’s no point. Isak wouldn’t go through the work of getting someone else to have legal ownership of this place if he didn’t have to, and that’s how Even knows.

Isak is gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even was 21 when Isak left, and that’s when he decided to drag himself to a therapist.

**17 March 2018**

Isak is a little tipsy, and Even is loving the good mood it’s put him in. He’s a giggly mess on their way home. He laughs every time he stumbles, which is a lot, because he couldn’t find the shoes he wanted to wear and stole a pair of Even’s that are a size too big for him. Even keeps a grip on his waist to keep him from falling, and Isak turns around to declare Even his hero every time he catches him.

Isak is on him the second they’re in the door, pressing smiley kisses to his face and trying to remove Even’s coat from his shoulders even though it’s still partially zipped. “Baby, slow down,” Even mumbles against Isak’s lips.

“I want you.” Isak pushes him up against the door, still working on his jacket until Even gets frustrated and rips it off himself, followed by Isak’s. “My feet hurt from your shoes. You should carry me to bed.” Even has to laugh at that, because it’s not a secret that Isak gets super turned on by Even throwing him down on their bed, and he completely forgets how to be subtle when he’s had a few drinks.

He does exactly what Isak wants, because he’s a sucker, probably, and Isak fists his hoodie, pulling Even down on top of him.

Isak’s wearing the tightest jeans he owns, so Even has to sit up to get them off of him. He’s also wearing a belt that’s impossible to get undone quickly. “I fucking hate this belt,” he says, and Isak just laughs.

Once he finally, finally, gets those god forsaken jeans off, he goes for Isak’s sweatshirt, trailing his fingers along Isak’s sides as he pulls it up, and then, Isak laughs again. “That tickles.”

“It tickles,” Even asks, surprised, because Isak doesn’t usually react when he does stuff like that. “I think it’s rude to laugh at someone who’s trying to seduce you,” Even says.

“You’re trying too hard.”

“To seduce you?” Even leans forward, hovering over Isak so close that he almost goes cross-eyed when he looks at him.

“Yeah, you already seduced me like a year ago and now you just have to be like ‘let’s have sex’ and I’m like ‘okay cool’.” Isak’s eyes are shining, like he has actual stars in them. Even thinks he does sometimes.

“I only seduced you a year ago?”

“Fuck, what month is it?” Even smiles.

“It’s March.” 

“Well a year and however many months are between October and March.” Isak laughs again at Even’s confused face. 

“Did you have another drink when I wasn’t looking?” Their plan was to split a six pack, and Isak seems less sober than he did when they left the party.

“Yeah, Markus showed up right before we left and he gave me some shots. It was peer pressure, so it doesn’t count.”

“The shots don’t count as alcohol because it was peer pressure?” Isak nods. “How many shots? And what was it?”

“Three, I think. It was some kind of flavored vodka.”

“You hate vodka,” Even points out.

“It was flavored,” Isak argues.

“But why would you take a shot of something you hate?” Even doesn’t want to be annoying and ask a billion questions, but he genuinely doesn’t understand.

“Markus made me.”

“Fucking Markus,” Even scoffs. He hates that guy.

“Don’t be jealous, baby. You know you’re the man of my dreams.” Isak wraps his arms around Even’s neck, but Even sits back up.

“I know, and the man of your dreams isn’t having sex with you tonight.” Isak lets out the most offended whine Even thinks he’s ever heard. “No drunk sex, baby. I don’t like it.”

“What about a drunk blowjob?” 

“No.” Isak groans. 

“Can we at least shower together?”

“We can do that.” Even has a trick for distracting drunk Isak from shower sex. He purrs like a cat when Even washes his hair for him, and it always makes him forget his intentions.

Isak gives him a contented hum. “I love you so much. You’re the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.” He tries, but he can’t hold back his laughter when Even rolls his eyes. 

“Go turn the water on before I change my mind.”

“Say you love me too.”

“I love you too.”

**8 March 2020**

Even thinks he’s spent more time in his life being in denial than the average person. This is, obviously, not something he’s proud of, but admission is the first step to recovery.

When he was younger, he refused to believe death was a permanent state. He experienced loss for the first time at four years old, and he was almost ten when he finally came to terms with the fact that death is irreversible. That was also the first reason his parents ever had to drag him to a therapist.

When he was a teenager, he spent years denying that he was mentally ill. He was diagnosed with depression at 14, and he kept ignoring that until he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18, which he still kept ignoring until he was 20 and had to acknowledge it in order for his parents to support him moving out. That was yet another reason for his parents to drag him to a therapist.

Even was 21 when Isak left, and that’s when he decided to drag himself to a therapist.

At first, he really didn’t believe it was happening. He thought Isak just had too much on his plate and wanted to get away for a while to get himself together, but that was hard to keep believing when the university Isak had been planning to attend started classes and no one had heard from him in a month.

Now, it’s been more than a year and a half since anyone has heard anything from him, and Even sometimes feels like he’s the only one that hasn’t moved on with his life.

He knows that isn’t really true. Everyone misses Isak and wishes they could have some answers. Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus live together now, and Even knows that Isak was supposed to be their fourth roommate. They mention it a lot. Sana will bring his name up in conversation at any reasonable opportunity, and she once told Even that she still prays for his safety every single day. Even thanked her on Isak’s behalf, because he knows that would make Isak feel loved beyond belief.

There are days when it feels like everyone else is grieving Isak, knowing that they’ll never see him again, but Even refuses to give up on him, because Isak would do the same thing if the roles were reversed. He starts every day off checking Isak’s facebook and instagram for updates. There haven’t been any in almost two years, though. The last photo he posted was in May 2018, sneakily taken by one of their friends when Even picked Isak up from school one afternoon because he got out of class early and wanted to surprise him. Isak had been so happy that Even might as well have told him he won the lottery or something equally exciting, and someone had caught them kissing and sent it to Isak. It was one of the last days things were really good, and Even sometimes keeps the photo open all day to keep going back and looking at it.

He kept this habit a secret for a surprising amount of time. He only got caught when he and Mikael both fell asleep in the same bed during a movie and he got caught up in it when he woke up the following morning, not realizing Mikael was awake and saw him staring at his missing ex’s photos. That had been a rough day for him, trying to explain everything in a way that didn’t make Mikael think there was something seriously wrong. 

Once, during a manic episode, Even completely fixated on Isak. It wasn’t unusual, because Even frequently became fixated on Isak during episodes when they were together, but this time, it wasn’t him being overly romantic. It was him finding every clue he could trying to piece together where Isak had gone. His intention was to fly there and find Isak and beg for forgiveness, beg for him to come home, but everything he could find led back to Jonas, who said he didn’t know anything. 

Their joint savings account hadn’t been touched. His phone number stopped receiving messages immediately after he left, maybe even before that. There was absolutely no activity on any of his social media. He hadn’t used his credit card for anything, because no one received a bill. Even his parents didn’t know anything. 

Even can’t think of a single reason Isak would have to run away like this. He’s wracked his brain for any possible explanation, and he’s come up short every time. He knows Isak was going through something in the months before he left; that’s what led to the breakup, but Even doesn’t know what happened to make Isak go to such ridiculously complicated lengths to hide from everyone.

Eskild is angry with Even. He has been for a long time, and Even can’t figure out why. He thinks Eskild knows something, but he refuses to speak to Even about it. He’s nice enough if they’re with friends or they just run into each other, but no one will open the door at Kollektivet when Even shows up there. He stopped trying a few months ago.

The only things Even knows for sure are that he misses Isak, and he regrets breaking up with him. He wishes he had tried harder for an answer to what was wrong, but he didn’t. He assumed Isak would tell him eventually, and then he left when he couldn’t handle watching their relationship turn into something ugly. It’s a thought that often haunts him. He’s started having a recurring nightmare where he watches Isak die and does nothing to save him.

His therapist is convinced that he’s romanticizing Isak, erasing all his flaws in his memories, and Even doesn’t know how to make her believe that he isn’t. Isak wasn’t flawless, but he was perfect, at least to Even. He’s always felt that way.

He has this video on his phone. He has a lot, actually, but there’s something special about this one that always makes him feel a little less lonely. The two of them are cuddling in their bed. Isak’s eyes are closed, so he doesn’t notice that Even is filming. He’s tracing Even’s collarbone, telling a story about his sister trying to teach him how to cook once when he was 6, and he just looks so content.

Even remembers that night pretty clearly. It was freezing outside, there was even a little snow falling, and both of them really just wanted to go to bed and cuddle all night. They were both ready for bed by 9pm, and Even was asleep by 10, which was a little bit of a miracle at that point in time.

The main thing Even remembers is how safe he felt. Just laying there under the duvet, feeling Isak’s breath on his neck, he felt such an overwhelming sense of _home_. It’s never been matched, and Even has no hope that it ever will be in the future unless Isak is involved.

Even has a journal that he keeps with him at all times. It’s the same brand as his sketchbook, but it’s lined. It’s where he writes the things that he only wants to tell Isak, and almost every page begins and ends with the same sentence.

_I miss you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me stretching a realistic dialogue as far as it can possibly go because i needed this character and even's feelings about him to be mentioned in an extremely specific way. if you're completely opposed to stories with original characters, you might want to stop reading this. it should become pretty clear in the next chapter why i needed an original character, though. i know this was a little anticlimactic, but stuff starts happening soon. thank you for reading!
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even finally learns something new.

**13 June 2018**

Even feels so terribly, terribly guilty about it, but Isak has been acting weird for weeks, and he can’t take being in the dark anymore.

He knows he should mind his own business, let Isak come to him when he’s ready if there’s a problem, but the fact of the matter is, Even’s not a saint. He’s a human being who is scared as hell about what may or may not be going on, and he needs to know _something_.

Isak’s been having trouble sleeping for a while, and Even can see the signs all day that his body is finally about to let him rest; the droopy eyes, the slumped posture, the lack of the usual tension on his face. They’re not difficult to spot after a year and a half’s worth of his spells of insomnia.

Predictably, Isak is asleep in bed by 9, and Even takes his phone from where he shoved it under the pillow. He knows Isak’s passcode, 0212, because until a few weeks ago, they didn’t have any secrets from each other. 

He’s not sure what he expected to find when he opened Isak’s messages, but it definitely wasn’t over 50 unopened messages from a dozen unknown numbers. Isak usually hates leaving messages without reading them. 

Unfortunately, because Isak hasn’t opened the messages, Even can’t either. Isak would notice if the number in the little bubble went down, and Even would be the obvious culprit. He doesn’t get much from the previews. A couple of them are vaguely aggressive, but Even can’t see a reason that Isak would be concerned enough about that to make him act the way he is. It’s easy enough to go to the police about something like that if it’s an actual issue, and Isak would never be stupid enough to let it escalate, so Even just assumes it’s spam of some kind.

Even looks through his instagram and his camera roll, too, and he doesn’t find a single thing aside from some unopened DMs. He kind of wants to cry, because this isn’t helping the wild theories rushing through his head, and he still has absolutely nothing to go on. 

His train of thought is lost when Isak whimpers in his sleep, mumbling “no” and fisting the sheets like he’s scared of something. Even lays down, lightly petting Isak’s hair the way he’s so fond of in an attempt to calm him down without waking him up. He needs to rest.

Even puts a hand on his waist, and Isak’s eyes shoot open. He flinches so violently that he almost falls out of the bed, but Even doesn’t dare touch him after that. Not until he’s calmed down.

“Isak,” he whispers, “it’s just me, baby. You’re safe.” Isak’s eyes look cloudy, like he’s not completely here. Even tries not to move, because he has no idea what this is about, and there’s no way to tell what will make Isak react poorly.

He waits it out for a minute, watches Isak catch his breath and take in his surroundings. Thankfully, the light is still on, so Even can clearly see when he’s back in the moment, away from whatever was terrorizing his sleep.

“Evy,” he mumbles, tears making his voice weak. He crawls into Even’s arms, shaking hands gripping the back of his shirt. Even takes a deep breath, holding Isak tight. He only uses that nickname in his most vulnerable moments, and Even knows he has to be scared right now, even if he doesn’t know why.

This is the first time in weeks that Isak has sought out physical contact beyond holding Even’s hand when they’re out in public, and it leaves a bitter taste in Even’s mouth when he realizes he’s enjoying it while Isak is clearly suffering.

Even can’t keep a few of his own tears from falling. He really fucking loves Isak, and on top of the guilt he’s feeling, this whole thing is killing him. “You’re safe, baby,” he whispers again. Isak takes a shuddering breath, and Even swears he can feel every ounce of the pain his boy is in.

“Can you tell me what happened,” Even asks. Isak lets out a painful sound, holding onto Even’s shirt so tight that it has to be hurting his hands. Even knows he won’t be getting any answers tonight. 

It takes a few minutes, but Isak calms down enough to loosen his grip on Even’s shirt. He turns on his side so he’s just cuddling Even rather than being on top of him. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles, eyes fixed on the wall behind Even.

“It’s alright. Do you think you can go back to sleep?”

“I don’t think so,” Isak admits. “I can stay here, though.”

“That sounds good. Do you want to watch something?” Isak nods.

Even turns on their TV, starts scrolling through netflix while Isak cuddles him. He’s trying not to make a big thing of it, because he knows that would make Isak even more uncomfortable than he already is, but this is a huge deal after the last month of minimal contact, and maybe things are getting better if he’s finally coming to Even for comfort again.

“You know I, like, really, really love you, Even, right?” Isak sounds a little sad, a little scared, and Even doesn’t like that he’s still so down.

“Don’t make it sound like you’re dying,” Even says. It’s supposed to be a joke, but Isak doesn’t laugh. He just holds Even a little tighter, and Even holds him right back.

**11 March 2020**

Even is woken up by someone knocking on his door.

Sana is standing there, and she says, “hi, Even. I didn’t mean to wake you,” as soon as Even opens the door.

“It’s fine, Sana. Come in,” Even says, moving so she can step inside. “Would you like some tea?”

“If you’re making some, that sounds nice.”

Even leads them into the kitchen. He hands Sana his box of teas so she can pick one while he fills the kettle. Even is still half asleep, so they mostly make small talk while they wait.

“I’m really sorry for waking you up. I didn’t think you’d still be asleep,” Sana says while Even fills her mug.

“It’s seriously fine, Sana. I just didn’t sleep well last night, but I needed to get up.” Even sips his tea, and it burns his tongue a little bit. Sana stirs hers, looking a little apprehensive. “Is something wrong,” Even asks.

Sana looks up at him, and he can clearly see that she’s struggling with something, debating if she should say it, but he doesn’t push. He’s learned his lesson about that. “Do you remember that guy Markus? Isak’s friend?” Even nods, and Sana takes a deep breath. “Have you spoken to him since Isak left?”

“No, I haven’t. I never liked him, and Isak kind of snapped at me the last time I mentioned his name, so I assumed they had some sort of falling out and there was no chance he knew where Isak went.” That night haunts Even. Isak hadn’t only snapped, but given Even the cold shoulder for hours afterwards, falling asleep facing their bedroom wall before waking up from another nightmare and burying himself in Even’s arms while he slept.

“He, um-” Sana takes another deep breath, her eyes fixed on a little scratch on the table that Mikael accidentally made with a cheap knife a few months ago. “Markus was arrested yesterday.”

Even suddenly feels dread pooling everywhere. “Why,” he asks. His voice is shaking.

“I have no idea. Eva and I were out getting coffee yesterday, and we saw it happen. I know it might be irrational, but I feel like it can’t be a coincidence that we saw that,” Sana explains.

Even has to take a minute to process. He feels a little sick, because he can’t imagine Isak being involved in something that would get someone arrested, and he can’t imagine that Sana is wrong about this not being a coincidence. The theories in his head are so outlandish that they couldn’t possibly be true, and Even feels even more confused than he did in the months after Isak left.

Out of nowhere, this has switched from Isak getting away when things weren’t great for him to Isak possibly fleeing from something, and Even feels fucking sick.

Even is startled by Sana saying “are you alright, Ev?” She places her hand on top of his for comfort, and Even manages to nod, even though he feels about as far away from alright as he thinks he can.

“Jonas,” he chokes out, and Sana looks beyond confused, but she’s patient with him while he gathers his thoughts. 

Jonas had been acting off all day yesterday, distracted and glued to his phone, which was completely unusual for him. Even had planned to ask him if he was okay when they had some privacy, but Jonas had locked himself in his room when no one was looking. “I think Jonas knows something. He was acting really weird yesterday. I’m gonna go see him.” He stands, and Sana grabs his hand to pull him back.

“Even, just calm down for a second. Jonas has class right now, so you stressing out and trying to get over there as fast as you can isn’t going to help anyone. Let’s just sit and drink our tea, okay?” Even nods, because she’s right.

He sits with Sana, and he talks to her and drinks his tea, but he can’t get his mind off of this whole thing, so by the time he finally gets to the boys’ apartment, he’s ready to rip his own hair out to relieve the tension under his skin.

Mahdi answers the door, and he barely gets a greeting out before Even asks to speak to Jonas, wringing his hands and bouncing because he can’t escape the nerves. Mahdi just invites him in.

Magnus is sitting on the couch, and he tells Even to sit next to him, but Even just needs to see Jonas. “Even,” Magnus says, interrupting Even’s half-assed explanation of what’s going on. “Jonas isn’t here. He left first thing this morning with a suitcase.”

“What? Where would he be going?” Magnus puts a hand on his back. Mahdi looks nervous, and Even just wishes people would tell him things without acting like he’s some fragile child that can’t handle anything.

“We don’t know, but I heard him on the phone last night asking how Isak is doing,” Mahdi says, looking anywhere but at Even.

Even’s stomach drops to his feet. “He went to see Isak,” he breaths out. Magnus nods.

“That’s what we think.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm very sorry about the ending


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are starting to heat up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt like the last chapter wasn't very exciting, so i wanted to post this one as soon as a could. please make sure to check the tags. i've updated them to include warnings that will be relevant to the next few chapters, and i've put the ones relevant to this chapter specifically in the end notes.

**4 August 2019**

The thing with Isak being gone is that Even can never stop thinking about it. It hurts all the time.

Even’s back in therapy now. He has to be, because Mikael caught him staring a little too intensely at their knives in the middle of the night and broke down in tears, begging Even to talk to him and be safe. He promised Mikael that he was just lost in thought, he wasn’t going to do anything, but he couldn’t stop scratching his arms for days afterwards, like some sort of junkie.

Sometimes he thinks he is one. He craves the marks and the blood, a physical sign of his pain for once in his life. He used to have some scars on his hips, but they’ve faded. Isak and Sonja were the only people that ever saw them.

His therapist keeps trying to tell him that this is grief, that he’s mourning, but he refuses to acknowledge that. If he grieves for Isak, he’s giving up hope. Isak isn’t dead, anyway. He’s just gone, out of Even’s life. 

And that’s really the most unbearable part. Somewhere out there, Isak is living a life without Even. He’s existing somewhere in the world, experiencing new things, having new feelings, living new days, and Even is just left to wonder. Is he happy? Is he safe? Is he over me? 

If there’s one positive in this situation, it’s that all his bonds with the people in his life are so much stronger. He’s pretty sure they all have a guilt that will never be assuaged, the guilt of not knowing why Isak was in so much pain that he had to run away from everything and everyone he loved to feel better.

It’s become a massive support net for everyone. If ever one of them feels so guilty that they just want to cry and rant and beg Isak’s nonexistent spirit for answers, there’s always someone else there to hold their hands and wipe their tears and just listen. Even knows he does those things more than the rest of them, but he thinks that makes sense.

Now that it’s been a whole year, a lot of people are starting to get over it, realizing that Isak left for a reason and he isn’t coming back, and that isn’t anyone’s fault. The people that are still dwelling on it are the ones that were closest to Isak, his three best friends and his ex-boyfriend.

Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus moved into an apartment together shortly after Isak left, and Even spends a lot of his time there now. He knows that Isak would have lived here with them after the breakup, and sometimes it feels good to be in a place like that, and other times, the boys are the best shoulders to cry on. They understand better than anyone what Isak was to Even.

Even’s gotten in the habit of going there after he sees his therapist. He always feels a little too fragile to be alone after he talks to her, and Mikael is never home during the day. The boys’ place usually has at least one person there.

Today, when he knocks on the door, Jonas opens it, and he’s clearly been crying.

Jonas usually isn’t one to lose his composure. Even knows from a late night and a few too many shots that it’s just a front, that the only way Jonas could keep himself sane was to comfort everyone else. He was just desperate to stay strong. He’s cried about it, of course, but he tries to keep it private.

Which is why it’s so rattling when Jonas pulls Even into a hug as soon as the door is shut behind them. Even just hugs him back and tries not to let his hands shake as Jonas cries into his shoulder.

“Did something happen?” Even can tell he sounds nervous, but this doesn’t make sense if there hasn’t been some sort of bad news.

“I love him, Even, and I miss him so much.” Even hugs him tighter.

“I know.”

His relationship with Jonas is complicated. It pretty much always has been, but they still love each other, and they now share this bond of one of the people they love most in the world disappearing.

There was a period of time where it wasn’t like this. A lot of people threw blame on Even for Isak leaving in the beginning, and Jonas was one of them. They didn’t speak to each other at the time. Even hardly spoke to anyone at all, actually, but Magnus reached out after a few months, and Jonas followed pretty quickly.

He suspects it had more to do with Jonas having feelings for Mikael than it did him actually not being angry at Even, but he’ll take what he can get in some situations. They’re fine now, anyway.

He’s brought back to the moment when Jonas pulls back, sniffing and rubbing his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Do you feel better?” Jonas nods.

“A little.”

“That’s all that matters.”

**17 March 2020**

Even feels oddly numb. 

He always thought having new information about Isak would send his mind into overdrive, and it has, in a sense, but it’s also made everything feel weird, muddled. He described it to his therapist as having that old television static in his brain.

Jonas’s phone is off every time Even or one of the other boys tries to call him, although Even suspects that he’s talked to Mikael. It’s harder to get away with ignoring your boyfriend. 

He spends a good deal of his time at the boys’ apartment, waiting. Magnus and Mahdi have been cool with it so far, but he can’t imagine that their patience is going to extend much further.

Tonight, it’s pouring rain, so they’ve offered Even the couch so he doesn’t have to make a ten minute walk in this weather. It’s 3am, and Even is lying awake when he hears the door being unlocked and Jonas telling someone he got home safely and he’ll call them back in the morning.

Jonas jumps as soon as he turns the light on. “What are you doing here,” he asks, but Even can’t really even process his question.

“Were you with Isak?” 

Jonas sighs, looking tired and defeated. “Not now, Even. Let’s talk in the morning.” Jonas starts to walk into his room, but Even isn’t having it.

“Why? So you can ditch my calls some more?” Jonas rolls his eyes.

“I wasn’t ditching anyone’s calls. I don’t have an international plan, so I left my phone off, okay? Just calm down.”

“International? Where were you,” Even asks, getting up off the couch, because he’s concerned now.

“I’m not answering that,” Jonas says, irritated.

“So you were with Isak,” Even demands. Jonas pinches the bridge of his nose, letting out a frustrated sigh.

“Yes, Even, I’ve been with Isak,” he admits.

Even hears a familiar ringing in his ears that he’s come to associate with Isak, but this time, it isn’t because of fear. It’s because of anger. “What the fuck,” he yells.

“Even, please-”

Even’s whole plan was to calmly discuss this whole thing with Jonas, but that’s being overtaken by his uncontrollable anger at what’s been going on. “No, you’ve seen me driving myself fucking crazy trying to figure out where he went and what happened, and you fucking _knew_? Who does stuff like that, Jonas?” 

“Someone who was doing everything they could to protect Isak and what he wanted. Did you ever consider that,” Jonas asks, the anger in his voice growing as well.

“Consider that he needs to be protected from me? No, I didn’t, because that’s ridiculous. I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for him,” Even argues.

“So when you broke up with him and told him it was all his fault, that was best for him, right?”

“I never said it was his fault.”

“You lay out all the reasons why you’re miserable, which are all because of him, wait until you know he feels guilty so he won’t argue, then let yourself get emotional when you explain that it’s good for him too. Does that sound familiar to you?” Jonas asks the last part sarcastically, like he can read Even’s mind.

“How did you know all that,” Even asks, because it’s alarmingly similar to his actual plan, which he had never said anywhere outside his own head.

“Isak fucking told me! Do you think he’s too stupid to realize when he’s being manipulated?”

“Manipulated?” Even had never thought of it that way, because that’s not what he did.

“What else would you call guilting someone into not fighting back when the person they love is breaking their heart? What would you call that, Even?” Jonas moves closer to Even, throwing his arms up, and Even feels like this is leading somewhere bad.

“That’s not what I did,” he insists.

“Yes it is, Even! Because you’ve turned him into a character. You’ve taken who he was when he was 18 and you have twisted it up so much that you don’t even _realize_ that you’ve turned him into a character. He started acting in a way you didn’t understand after he was-” Jonas cuts himself off, taking a deep breath, “when he started acting weird, and you broke up with him. You made sure he would respond the way you wanted him to, because you didn’t even think about his feelings.” Jonas seems a little calmer now, so Even tries to be too.

“That’s not fair. He was 18 the last time I saw him, so of course that’s how I remember him.”

Jonas just stares for a minute, and he looks more sad than anything else now. “He was 19 the last time you saw him.”

“What?” 

“You just proved my point.” Jonas doesn’t seem like he’s gloating about it, but Even feels irrationally angry at what he’s saying. He kind of feels like yelling at him some more. 

“What the fuck are you trying to say?” He moves closer, and that’s when he feels hands on his arms.

“Whoa, Even, just calm down, okay? Can you look at me?” It’s Magnus, and Even had no idea he was even in the room, but he probably heard most of that fight. He looks a little nervous, but Even guesses that’s fair enough when you’re woken up by two of your friends about to punch each other in your living room. Mahdi is also standing off to the side looking a little freaked out. “Let’s all just sit down and chill,” Magnus says, pushing Even towards the couch and keeping him separated from Jonas.

“Jonas, why didn’t you tell us you knew where Isak was,” Magnus asks. Jonas rolls his eyes again, huffing out an angry breath.

“Is that all you fucking care about? You don’t want to know if he’s safe or happy first before you start interrogating me about doing the one thing he asked me to do?” Jonas stands up, picking up his bags and moving towards his room. “I went to see him in the hospital if any of you care about that,” he calls out before slamming his door.

“Fuck,” Even yells. He does the only thing he can think to do to get rid of this feeling, his blood racing under his skin. He gets up to pace, pulling at the ends of his hair so he’ll feel something different.

“Calm down, buddy,” Mahdi says, and Even can’t look at him. It’s easy enough for him to say shit like that.

“How can I when he just-”

“Even.” He looks at Magnus, who still looks nervous. “When is the last time you slept,” he asks carefully.

“What?” Even doesn’t keep track of his sleep. He never has. He doesn't know why Magnus would ask that.

“Do you remember?” Even shrugs. He doesn’t even really know what today is. “Have you been taking your meds for the last few days?” Even shrugs again.

It’s like someone poured a bucket of water over his head when he realizes. “Shit, I’m sorry,” he breathes. Magnus stands near Even, putting a hand on his shoulder and the other out in case Even wants to hug him. He does.

“Can I drive you home,” Magnus asks. Even nods into his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers again.

“It’s not your fault. Let’s get you home, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: manic episode, implied self harm, and suicidal thoughts. (skip the second and third paragraphs if you don't want to read the last two)
> 
> jonas almost let something slip!! also he's with mikael in this because i want him to be.
> 
> i have a weird anxiety about responding to comments, but please know i appreciate all of them, and i'm very thankful for everyone that's interested in this story. i hope you liked this chapter.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything sucks™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is literally all angst. if you don't like leaving chapters with zero hope, i'm sorry. check the end notes for warnings.

**18 June 2018**

The first thing Even hears when he gets home is crying.

He hurries to get his shoes and bag off and rushes into the kitchen, where Isak is standing, surrounded by pieces of broken ceramic, crying his eyes out.

In the back of his head, he knows he should at least be careful to not step on any of the broken pieces, because the last thing they need right now is to deal with an injury, but he can’t process anything that isn’t getting Isak into his arms as fast as humanly possible.

Isak jumps when Even touches him, but throws himself into Even’s arms as soon as he opens his eyes.

Even knows he needs to ask what happened, but first, he needs to get Isak calmed down enough to be able to answer. He holds him, rubbing his back, but never touching skin. Isak doesn’t like that anymore.

“Can we go to bed,” Isak chokes out, voice rough and breath shaky.

“Of course,” Even whispers.

Their bedroom is mostly dark, even though it’s a beautiful day outside. The curtains are still closed, a little light coming in through where they don’t quite meet in the middle, but other than that, it’s dark, and Even knows this scene all too well.

He looks down and realizes that Isak is still wearing the same sweatshirt he slept in last night. It’s weird, but the warmer it gets, the more clothes Isak sleeps in, even though Even can see that he sometimes wakes up sweating from it. Even feels sick when he sees what’s looking back at him. He’s been exactly in Isak’s shoes so many times before.

Isak lays down on his side. Even strips his jeans off so he can do the same comfortably. Isak’s eyes are red and puffy, and the bags under them are so dark that Even is pretty sure he hasn’t slept all week. He’s been cycling between having multiple showers a day and not showering for a few days at a time, and right now is a not showering time. Even can tell by his hair and the acne that’s appeared from not keeping his face clean.

“Why didn’t you go to school today,” Even asks once Isak has calmed down. Isak looks down, embarrassed, a few more tears falling from his eyes.

“I just couldn’t.” Even brushes his hand across Isak’s cheek. Isak squeezes his eyes shut, making even more tears escape.

“Baby, I can’t make you talk to me, but please, _please_ be honest with me for just one second. Are you depressed?” Isak’s eyes shoot open. He shakes his head.

“No, no, Even. I swear I’m not,” he says, looking Even in the eye like he almost never does.

“Issy, it’s not like you at all to skip school, especially this close to the end. You understand where I’m coming from, right?” Isak nods, still looking at Even’s eyes. “I can’t sit here and watch you do this to yourself. You’re too smart to have to do all of this again like I did, so tell me what we need to do to get you to school tomorrow.”

Isak seems to consider his options for a minute. “Can you walk there with me,” he asks.

“Of course I can.” Isak seems relieved, moving closer to Even to cuddle him. “Now can you tell me what made you cry?” Isak lets out a heavy sigh.

“I wanted to make you some tea, and I just broke your mug. A bad thing on a bad day, I guess,” Isak answers.

“That makes sense. Is it a little better now?” 

Isak just nods.

**23 March 2020**

Even ends up staying in bed for almost a week after his fight with Jonas. It turns out that Magnus had let him stay on the couch that night because he recognized that Even was manic and had no idea and wanted to make sure he was safe inside, and the argument escalated because neither Even or Jonas were in a clear mindset and very easily got frustrated with each other.

Still, Jonas was right about a lot of things.

For one, Even had manipulated the breakup. He never thought of it that way, but he definitely did it. Isak was never one to give up without a fight, and Even had known back then that Isak would have been able to talk him out of it if given the chance, so Even didn’t give him the chance. He guilted him into staying quiet.

And maybe he did give up too easily. Maybe he should’ve tried harder to get Isak to open up. Maybe he should’ve talked to him about the way he was acting before he went to such extremes to get it to stop, but he just didn’t. He just gave up on the love of his life.

All Even knows for sure is that he’s done the one thing he never wanted to do. He hurt Isak bad enough to make Isak hate him, and he doesn’t know if he can live with himself knowing that.

The thing is, if Isak didn’t hate him, he would’ve mentioned he was leaving. He would’ve told Even where he was going. Eskild probably wouldn’t hate Even if Isak didn’t, and Jonas has clearly been keeping some resentment bottled up, probably for the sake of his relationship with Mikael.

Mikael, as always, has been a saint in helping him through this. Even knows he still carries some guilt from their third year, from Even’s first episode and everything that happened during and after it. He makes up for it by listening to everything Even has to say about his mental health, even though Even never thought he needed to be forgiven for anything he did.

It’s been five days of Even rotting in bed when Mikael comes into his room as he’s waking up. His curtains are closed, and he has no idea what time it is when Mikael lays down on the other side of his bed.

He brushes some hair from Even’s face, and Even soaks up the contact. He misses the way Isak used to hold him when he was down. People tend to think he can’t be touched when he’s depressed, and he’s too embarrassed to ask for someone to _please_ fucking hug him.

“Jonas is really sorry for how he acted. He wants to talk about it when you’re feeling better,” Mikael whispers, and Even bursts into tears.

He cries for the person he loves the most hating him. He cries for all the lies Jonas will probably say to make Even feel less guilty. He cries for the fact that Jonas has thought all of this stuff about Even through all the times they’ve cried on each other’s shoulders. He cries for the fact that the guilt is overwhelming everything else in his life, and he doesn’t think he can live with it, and he cries when he says “I think you should take me to the hospital.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: depression, suicidal thoughts, mentions of a manic episode, self hatred
> 
> this isn't my best work, and i'm sorry it's so short, but i have a lot planned for the next few chapters. i hope this one way okay.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are looking up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check the end notes for warnings

**15 May 2018**

Sometimes, Even finds himself waking up in an empty bed, and he always hates it. Right now, it’s one in the morning, and Isak’s side is cold, like he hasn’t even been there tonight, which is a definite possibility. He was still messing around in the kitchen when Even fell asleep.

He goes into the kitchen, because logically, that’s where Isak should be, and he is. He’s standing by the stove, stirring something in a pot. His phone is playing music, probably as quiet as he could get it while still being able to hear. He wouldn’t have wanted to disturb Even.

He jumps and mutters “fuck” when Even turns the lights on. He puts his spoon down, looking mildly embarrassed by getting caught doing whatever he’s doing.

“Why aren’t you sleeping,” Even asks. He’s been doing well for months, and Even doesn’t like the idea of Isak hiding another bout of insomnia from him.

“It’s nothing to worry about. I just feel weird I guess.” He picks his spoon back up, going back to whatever he was making, probably to avoid Even’s stare.

“Weird how?”

“Anxious, I guess,” Isak mumbles. Even recognizes that he’s going to stop talking completely if Even doesn’t move on for now, so he changes the subject.

“What are you cooking?” Isak gives him a small smile.

“Pasta. I was bored, and I thought it would be romantic or whatever if I made lunch for you to take tomorrow.”

“Romantic or whatever? You have such a way with words, baby,” Even says. He moves closer, wrapping his arms around Isak’s waist and kissing his shoulder. “You’re sweet, but 1am isn’t the time to prepare romantic gestures, okay? You need to relax.” Even starts swaying, holding onto Isak so he’ll do the same.

Isak turns the heat off on the stove. Even gives him a minute to strain the water and put the pasta in a container, because it would be shitty to waste it after Isak probably spent half an hour making it.

Once Isak turns back to him, Even takes his hand, bringing him in like they’re going to dance, and starts singing, “fridge light washes this room white, moon dances over your good side.” Isak smiles.

“You think you’re really funny, huh?” Even nods.

“I am funny. Now, why don’t you tell me what’s making you anxious.” Even can barely hear the music still coming from Isak’s phone, but he starts moving along with it. They’ve done this a few times, dancing in the kitchen when Isak can’t sleep, and it usually works wonders in getting him to calm down.

“I just got a weird text today. I’m probably overthinking it, because I didn’t know the number, so it probably wasn’t meant for me. I don’t really want to talk about what it said, though.”

“That’s okay,” Even says. Isak kisses him before resting his head on Even’s shoulder, pulling them even closer together.

It’s quiet for a minute. Even can feel Isak’s eyelashes against his neck whenever he blinks. It tickles a little, but he can tell they’re getting slower as Isak relaxes, so he doesn't dare move away at all.

“That song is about two people who are about to break up,” Isak says.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re okay, right?” His voice is quiet and full of insecurity. Even holds him tighter.

“Of course we are. I didn’t mean anything by it,” Even says. Isak nods. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Isak mumbles.

They stay like that a little longer. Isak is so relaxed by the end that Even is almost holding him up. He halfway thinks that Isak has fallen asleep standing in their kitchen, and if he could, he’d stay like this for hours.

He realizes that this moment doesn’t have to end. They’re alone, and it’s the middle of the night, and time can stretch as far as Even wants it to, or at least as long as his arms can continue supporting Isak.

He keeps going for another minute, listening to the music and rocking himself and Isak, until Isak makes a little noise that he always makes when he’s half asleep. Even always loves it, but this time, it gives him a vague sense of pride. He wishes it were acceptable to gloat about his relationship being so good that he could get his insomniac boyfriend to almost sleep like this.

Then, he realizes that, even if Isak isn’t asleep, he’s close enough to it to be unaware of Even’s actions, as long as he doesn’t make it obvious. He just wants to make sure Isak is safe, because it isn’t like him to overthink so much that he has doubts about their relationship after Even sings a few song lyrics. That usually isn’t something he thinks twice about.

He turns the music off and checks Isak’s messages, struggling to keep holding him while he does, but there’s nothing from a number he doesn’t have saved, so he probably deleted it. It was probably just lack of sleep that made him nervously overthink, so Even doesn’t think about it again. He pockets Isak’s phone and jostles him just enough to get him to walk to bed.

**26 March 2020**

Recovering from an episode always makes Even reflect on his behavior. He’s usually embarrassed by at least one thing he did or said, and he likes to pinpoint early on what he needs to do to set things right so he doesn’t have to dwell on it.

This time, it was his fight with Jonas and his begging Mikael to take him to the hospital because he didn’t feel safe.

He knows the hospital was the right call. He couldn’t get those nasty thoughts to leave his head, those ugly voices reminding him of all his failures, telling him to take a knife and ruin his skin with it, ruin his life with it.

He also knows that it was right to not voice any of those things to Mikael. He thinks he might be traumatized by Even’s first attempt. He should probably bring Mikael to therapy with him one day to talk through some of that, because he’s sure it would do both of them some good.

Even actually really liked the social worker that was assigned to him in the hospital. He didn’t think he would, because he’s had bad experiences with them in the past, but this guy was really good. He really helped Even work through the guilt he was feeling, and it wasn’t from the perspective of someone who wanted him to move on from Isak the way his normal therapist does. He didn’t know everything about Even, so for the first time ever, Even was able to get a fully objective opinion on the breakup. 

He knows he has a long road ahead, and he needs to start by talking to Jonas about everything, because had been right about some things and wrong about others, and he thinks Jonas needs to go along with him on this journey to recovery.

He knows it might be dramatic to say that he needs to recover, but he does. The social worker was convinced that Even was traumatized by Isak’s behavior and him leaving so suddenly, and he agreed that Even has sort of turned him into a character, but he thinks those two things are linked, and Even needs to explore them with that in mind.

The last thing Even wants is for his made up Isak to ruin his memories of real Isak, so he vows to start working on that as soon as he can.

They had also come to the conclusion that Even has unintentionally started trying to figure out what Isak would advise him to do in tough situations, rather than consulting another real life person, which has really caused some problems for him, because he’s not allowing anyone but himself to help him with any kind of predicament, which is something he should be letting his therapist and his friends do. His memory of Isak is not his confidant. That’s what he needs to remember.

When Mikael arrives to pick him up, they hug for a full minute before getting into his car. Even feels terrible for scaring him, but Mikael doesn’t let him apologize. He just tells Even that he’s happy he’s safe and feeling better.

He tells Mikael everything on their way home. Mikael promises to help in any way he can, and Even feels so fucking lucky to have such a great friend in his corner. Neither of them mention Jonas, even though it’s bound to come up at some point, but Even isn’t in the right place for that now. He just needs to get home and have a chill day, let himself get back into his life.

The one thing that he hasn’t been able to get out of his head is Jonas making some sort of comment about Isak being in the hospital. It’s a little fuzzy in his memory, so he keeps trying to convince himself that it was a bad dream. He doesn’t need to obsess over it, but it isn’t really working. He really wants to know if Isak is okay.

Magnus is waiting in their apartment with open arms and a box of pizza when Even and Mikael get home. Even hugs him briefly, because he smells like a combination of hospital and man who didn’t shower yesterday, and he’s still wearing hospital issued clothes, and he wants to get showered and changed before he does anything else.

He feels a million times better once he’s clean and in his own clothes. Someone, presumably Mikael, has cleaned up his room, getting rid of the dirty dishes and even washing and folding all the laundry that’s been covering his floor, and Even feels so fiercely thankful for him, but also guilty that someone else had to do that for him.

He decides that he’ll come up with a way to thank him later. Right now, he’s going to chill and eat some pizza with his friends, and that’s it. He needs to make sure he’s okay before he stresses himself into another cycle. 

He sits next to Magnus and gives him a proper hug when he gets back out. “Thank you for being here,” he says.

“Of course. Are you hungry?” Even nods. He really is. As good as the therapy and forced routine had been, the food was the opposite, and he’s ready to have something that actually tastes good.

Even almost moans around the first bite of pizza, and Mikael and Magnus laugh at him, to which he rolls his eyes. They eat in relative silence for a minute until Magnus puts his slice down and says, “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you,” cutting himself off when Even cringes at him talking with his mouth full. He swallows and continues with “Jonas asked me to tell you that Isak is fine. There’s nothing to worry about.”

Mikael freezes, probably concerned about Even’s reaction, but Even feels relief flood his body. He hasn’t been able to keep his thoughts away from Isak’s safety, so he’s just really happy to know he’s okay.

Hearing the phrase “Isak is fine” is really doing something for Even, because now he knows it’s true. Isak is safe, and he has people that care about him, and Even is so happy for him, even if he can’t be one of those people.

He feels calm. Things slow down. He tries not to think too hard about how sudden this mood swing is, because as far as he’s concerned, it’s a good thing.

Isak is okay. Even is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal thoughts, mentions of a past suicide attempt, mentions of self harm, psychiatric hospitalization, depression
> 
> huge thank you to everyone who is reading this and enjoying it. i promise it's going to get less heavy soon.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> even doesn't understand anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a pain in my ass and i hate it. enjoy.
> 
> check end notes for warnings

**19 May 2018**

Today has been A Day.

Even had a long shift at work, followed by an assignment that had to be done and submitted by 6pm that he had been putting off for weeks because it was stressing him out. He gets it done and goes to make dinner, because Isak has been working all day, too, and he should be home soon, only to realize that they’ve completely forgotten the grocery shopping, and their fridge contains some slightly expired milk, some condiments, a bottle of beer, and four moldy strawberries.

So, his choices are to eat plain brown rice for dinner, wait for Isak to finish work and do the shopping on his way home, which will probably take him at least two more hours, or go out and do it himself, which stresses him out to no end, especially when Isak isn’t there to write a list for him. Even admits that he can be a little spacey at times, and he really doesn’t have a good memory, so grocery shopping is one of those things that he usually either leaves up to Isak or waits until they can do it together, but neither of those are the best options right now.

He decides, after debating everything in his head multiple times, that he should just go do it. What kind of partner is he to Isak, anyway, if he can’t even handle buying their dinner on his own?

It’s a terrible experience, wandering through the aisles, trying to make sure he has plenty of food for their dinner and also for the next few days, because he should just get that done while he’s here. He keeps pulling on the ends of his hair to release some of the frustration building up, and he finds himself horrifyingly close to crying when the cashier tries to hit on him, because he really doesn’t have the energy to let her down gently, but he knows he’ll obsess over the guilt for days if he’s rude.

By the time he gets home, he can’t handle anything else. He’s tired and agitated, and he knows trying to push through it and do everything else that needs to be done isn’t the right thing right now, because then, he’ll end up taking it out on Isak, which is absolutely the last thing he wants to do, so he halfway puts their groceries away, strips down to his boxers, and gets into bed, pulling the blanket over his head and letting a frustrated yell out into his pillow.

He’s not really sure how long he stays there, but he apparently falls asleep, because he wakes up to a hand on his back, gently stroking the way only Isak does. Even is sort of starfished on his stomach, and it takes him a minute to pull his head far enough out of the fog to figure out which side of him Isak is on, and Isak is just sitting next to him, scrolling through his phone, not even realizing that Even is awake and looking at him.

Even clears his throat, and Isak looks down, a beautiful smile appearing on his face. He puts his phone down, moves to lay on his side facing Even, his hand still on Even’s back making him feel safe.

“What time is it,” Even asks. Isak checks his phone with his free hand.

“It’s almost 8:30,” he replies. “When did you go to sleep?” Even closes his eyes again, focusing on the warmth of Isak beside him, the way his hand is moving against Even’s skin. He loves him, but he feels almost suffocated by the heat.

“I don’t know. I didn’t realize I had.” Isak hums noncommittally. “Fuck, I should go make dinner,” Even says, starting to drag himself up and out of bed, but feeling like his body weight has tripled when he does.

“It’s already done and staying warm in the microwave,” Isak says. Even lays back down. “I came in here to wake you up, but you seemed exhausted, so I figured it wouldn’t kill us to wait a few more minutes.” Even’s throat feels tight, his eyes stinging with tears at Isak’s words.

“You had such a long day today. I was supposed to make dinner for you.” Isak pulls Even closer with a small smile.

“I think you had a much harder day in here, hm?” Isak brushes his hand across Even’s head as he says it, and Even nods, unable to speak. “It was nothing. It took 15 minutes, so no stress, baby. Let’s just have a nice dinner together, okay?” Even nods, leaning over to kiss Isak, who smiles into it.

Isak gets up, and Even follows. He looks for his phone, then realizes it’s still in his jacket.

He has a couple dozen texts from a group chat that he doesn’t have the energy to read, but from skimming them, he gathers that he’s being invited to go out tonight, which sounds like literal hell, in Even’s opinion.

“Are you going out tonight, baby,” Even asks Isak, who is scooping some sort of vegetable and rice dish onto some plates.

“Do you want me to go out tonight?”

Even actually thinks about it. He’d normally just encourage Isak to do whatever he wants, but Isak has explained to him many times that when he asks, he actually wants to know, and Even is doing his best to get used to that and answer honestly all the time.

“I kind of want you to. I feel like laying in the dark and watching movies and going to bed early, and I don’t really want you watching me be sad tonight.” Isak smiles.

“Then I’ll go out tonight. I think Markus is hosting a party.” Even rolls his eyes at the mention of his name, but he’s stopped insulting him every time he hears it, which is as good as it’s going to get. He really fucking hates that guy.

They eat together, then Isak kisses Even goodnight and leaves. Even chills for a while, watches a couple movies, then he texts Isak that he’s going to bed. Isak responds with 21 green hearts, the way he’s always done since Even explained to him that the number 21 makes him feel safe. It’s just one of those small things that makes Even remember how good and special and thoughtful his boy is.

Even goes to sleep, and he wakes up alone.

Isak comes home that afternoon with a bruise on his face and lies about it filling his lungs.

**4 April 2020**

“You know he loved you, right? None of what happened was because he didn’t love you,” Jonas says.

After putting it off for as long as possible, Even is finally talking to him. They’re on the couch with Mikael sitting in the next room with instructions to only come in if someone raises their voice to give them some privacy, but also to ensure that this interaction doesn’t end with a fist fight the way their last one almost did.

He knows he has to talk to Jonas about everything, because that’s the only way he’ll ever make sense of this whole thing, but it hurts. It hurts what Jonas said after all the support he’s given Even.

“I don’t know anything. I mean, we were completely fine one day, then he was a mess, then he made sure we’d still be friends when we broke up, then he left and never spoke to me again. How am I supposed to understand any part of that, Jonas,” Even asks. Jonas gives him a sympathetic look.

“I know you don’t, but the whole thing makes a lot of sense to him.” Even rolls his eyes. This whole evading question thing he’s doing is bullshit. Jonas takes a deep breath. “You know, I wanted to apologize to you. It’s not right of me to be angry with you for breaking up with him if that’s what you wanted. You had every right to do that, even if the way you did it wasn’t great,” Jonas says. Even feels tears stinging his eyes.

“It’s not what I wanted, but I swear, I thought it was the right thing to do. You didn’t see him, okay? He couldn’t even leave the apartment without me at the end, and he literally never slept, and he wasn’t taking care of himself. I thought forcing him to be on his own for a few months was the thing to do for him, and it would’ve taken two seconds for him to talk me out of it. I had to,” Even explains. He feels the first few tears make their way down his face.

“I know you did, Ev,” Jonas says, squeezing Even’s arm. Even chokes on his breath.

“Why didn’t he tell me?” It hurts to say it. His whole chest hurts and his lungs burn. “Why would he leave without telling me?”

Jonas closes his eyes like this hurts him too. He takes a deep breath before he speaks. “He tried to.” Even’s heart races.

“What?”

“Are you sure you want to hear this,” Jonas asks, his tone implying that Even may not want to know what happened, but he needs to, so he nods. “Okay, um, he came here one night to talk to you. It was before your waiting period of seeing each other was up, but his plane was taking off the next morning, so he had to. Mikael opened the door, and Isak heard you say that you hated him, so he left and decided not to bother you with it.”

Even’s heart stops.

Unfortunately, he remembers that night. He had gotten drunk and angry with Isak before crying about it and not getting out of bed the next day. He remembers a knock on the door, and saying he hated Isak, and Mikael coming back in the room a few seconds later.

“He heard that?” Jonas nods, and Even cries. “Why didn’t I know that?”

“Mik was just trying to be a good friend. He didn’t want you to feel worse right after, and he knew you wouldn’t be able to deal with the guilt if he told you after Isak was gone, and I didn’t know the whole story until much later. Please just don’t be angry with Mikael.” Even nods, tears streaming down his face. Mikael’s heart was in the right place, so he can’t be angry.

“Even, I know this is all really hard to hear, but him running away isn’t your fault. Isak knows he was being irrational when he didn’t tell you, and he doesn’t have any hard feelings towards you, I promise. What you said is kind of shitty, but I know you didn’t mean it, and I know you were just trying to do the right thing for both of you.” Even nods again. “Do you need a hug?” Even moves forward, letting himself be wrapped in Jonas’s arms. It feels okay.

“And one more thing, Ev; you need to move on from Isak. You’re literally letting your life revolve around someone you haven’t seen in two years, and you need to be okay without him, because I really don’t think he’s coming back. Isak would be devastated if he knew what you were doing to yourself over him, don’t you think?” At that, Even really lets himself cry.

Jonas is right. Even has been pretending that Isak isn’t really gone, that he’s going to appear out of the blue and still be in love with Even, but it isn’t going to happen. He knows it would break Isak’s heart to know how much Even obsesses over him at the cost of his own wellbeing. “Is he happy,” Even asks. He needs to know if he’s going to stop thinking about him all the time.

“He is. He’s doing really well.” Even nods again. Jonas gives him a small, sad smile.

“Okay, I want to be okay without him,” Even decides. He’s going to try his best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: implied violence (isak has a bruise that he lies to even about)
> 
> i'm kind of feeling discouraged by this story. i feel like it's not very good, so it's getting harder to write, but i'm determined to finish it. updates are going to slow down, though.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even is trying to heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i've changed my format a little to include three dates in this chapter, which i thought i wasn't going to end up doing, but this will make the next few chapters so much better, so i hope that doesn't bother anyone.
> 
> check the end notes for warnings

**16 October 2018**

Even never knew that being starved for intimacy would be such a terrible feeling.

He’s never really experienced it before. He had Sonja from the time he started craving those things all the way up until he had Isak. There was never a gap. Even when things weren’t great between the two of them, she was always there to kiss him, hold him, have sex with him, or sometimes just lay next to him.

And then there was Isak, who was always there. It was usually about the smaller things with him, like how he made time every day to ask Even how his day was going, or how he used to climb on top of Even and rub his shoulders when he flopped face down on their bed in frustration or stress, or how he’d sit on the counter when Even was making a meal that was too complicated for Isak’s limited skill level to be of any assistance.

It’s been weeks since Even actually, really hugged someone. Not being in a relationship makes it harder. He doesn’t have anyone to just attach himself to if he wants some attention, and even though it’s been over a year since him and Mikael made up and months of them living together, casual affection is difficult with their history, so it doesn’t happen much.

He wants it to. He wants someone to hold him, to make him feel loved, like he isn’t just a waste of space. He never realized how much of him relied on being in a relationship, on having someone who loved him unconditionally, and even when he was difficult to love, still making the effort, still being there for him.

Maybe he’s being melodramatic. Maybe he’s just touch-starved and depressed. Maybe he just wants someone to ask if he’s okay, to pay attention to his pain, but he’s beginning to think that this is his truth.

That Even is alone again

**22 April 2020**

It becomes very familiar, the loneliness.

It’s almost like a new partner, always there, always in the back of his head, sometimes the thing he can’t take his mind off of. It holds him when he sleeps, sits next to him when he makes breakfast for himself, holds his hand while he walks to therapy, does all the things that used to be the job of another person.

He wishes sometimes that he could talk to it, but he has the next best thing. He talks to a ghost. 

He still can’t break that habit, the one where he writes down everything he wants to say to Isak. It’s second nature at this point. He’s almost completely filled up the notebook, using the front and back of every single page, writing until there’s nowhere else and only then moving on. It may be incomprehensible garbage, but it’s not like anyone else is going to see it.

So he’s not sure why he can’t stop. His therapist has said that it may not be a bad thing, at least for now, but she doesn’t know the extent of it. She’s never seen the manic scribbles and the black boxes he’s drawn to make sure something he wrote when he wasn’t feeling like himself wouldn’t be legible no matter what. She probably thinks it’s some sort of journal, somewhere to keep his thoughts safe, but that’s not what it is. It’s his heart, the good and the bad, and it belongs to Isak.

He wishes it didn’t. He wishes he didn’t still genuinely believe that Isak is his soulmate, that they’ll find their way back to one another someday. His best friend and the only person from home that he’s regularly in contact with doesn’t believe it. He thinks Isak isn’t coming back, and Even knows he should try to get that through his head, but it hurts too much to think that he’ll never see the love of his life again.

He hates knowing things about the situation. He hates that the last thing Isak ever heard from Even is that he hates him, he hates that Isak could’ve been sick or hurt weeks ago and Even never would have known anything if Jonas hadn’t slipped up, and he hates that he still has no clue where Isak is apart from knowing that he left the country.

His only consolation is knowing that he’s doing well wherever he is. He apparently has a good support system and a stable environment, which is all the information he could get out of Jonas. It’s really more than he ever had in Oslo. Even can understand why he wouldn’t want to return to the dysfunction and uncertainty that plagued his childhood and teenage years.

At first, Even thought it would be easy to be okay. The day after he talked to Jonas, he felt great. He was ready to move on, to free himself from Isak, to get him out of his head, to only remember the good times with him, but it had taken less than 24 hours for his conviction to falter. Him and Mikael were considering moving into a bigger apartment, and he saw an ad for a place that made his heart clench, because it would have been absolutely perfect for Isak and Even if they were still together.

He writes almost a full page about it in his Isak journal. He tells Isak about the high windows, the charming little kitchen, the bedroom closet that would actually be big enough to fit most of their clothes, so their floor space wouldn’t be taken up by storage bins and Ikea wardrobes like their first place.

Mikael changes his mind about moving and suggests that Even try cleansing himself of Isak by setting fire to the notebook. He goes as far as taking his favorite lighter out of his drawer before he decides that he can’t do it.

He finds out that Markus was arrested for some sort of sexual assault, and while his heart aches for the girl that reported him, it’s a little bit of a relief. Isak never would have knowingly been involved in something that horrific, so at least he wasn’t fleeing from the police when he left. Even has to admit that that was pretty much his worst fear, so he’s glad to be able to relax a little.

He has to wonder if Isak knows anything about it, if he knows what Markus did, or that he’s been arrested, or that his trial is next month. Knowing about it could easily explain his behavior the last time Even mentioned him, but then again, he can’t imagine Isak wouldn’t have gone to the police if he knew anything about that, so he drops the thought.

The main thing he’s been learning recently is that recovering from something traumatic like this is fucking hard. It’s not really something he’s dealt with before. Of course, there was the situation from third year, but that didn’t become so twisted up in his identity the way Isak being gone has. He bottled it up, and once he finally talked about it, it really wasn’t so hard to overcome. This thing with Isak has been a part of who he is for almost two years, and removing the bad parts of what it has become from his actual personality is harder than it seems, and he honestly wants to give up sometimes, and there’s nothing in the world that makes him want to talk to Isak more than feeling hopeless, so trying to keep going is really a double-edged sword.

All of this comes on top of trying to finish his third year of university, and he’s kind of a mess. He’s opted to take five years for his degree, because there’s really no reason not to. It’s free, and he doesn’t handle stress well. He remembers talking it over with Isak, him promising that he won’t think less of Even if he takes longer to finish, saying that it might actually be nice if they got to graduate together. He made a joke about them sneaking off to the bathroom between their names being called out since they’re so far apart, and Even was sold on the idea of taking extra time.

That’s really not helping much now, though. He has a filed disability at school, so most of his professors respect that and do their best to work with him after an episode, but they stop being lenient with him after he’s been back in class for a few days, so ever since he returned to class, the work has just been piling up on top of his therapy and new medication his attempt at a routine. He feels like he’s been running on empty for weeks, just trying desperately to not fail at any of the thousand things it feels like he’s trying to work on all at once, wishing with everything in him that taking a break from one thing wouldn’t make every other thing ten times worse.

He’s also being encouraged by his therapist to go on a date with someone. He doesn’t have to be in love with them, she says. He just needs to have an emotional interaction with someone new, and Mikael keeps talking up one of his friends, so Even agrees to give it a try.

He finds himself in front of a nice restaurant, dressed up and waiting for his date. He’s never spoken to the guy, but Mikael and Jonas both gave him some amazing reviews, and he’s definitly attractive from the photos Even has seen, so he’s kind of looking forward to it, even if there’s a huge fucking knot in his stomach.

He never imagined that he’d go on a date that wasn’t with Isak ever again. He picked this restaurant because it’s fairly new, so him and Isak never talked about coming here. There are absolutely no associations with it and him, but it still feels wrong to be here with someone else. 

Nevertheless, he promised he’d try, and he knows backing out at the last minute would be a huge red flag for everyone keeping up with this. He’s gotten as far as making a reservation and dressing up and getting himself here, so he might as well do it. If nothing else, at least he’s gotten out of his apartment and will have a nice dinner with a guy that seems pretty interesting. 

That’s what he tells himself as the man approaches him, anyway.

“Hi, Even, right?” He nods. “Adrian,” the guy says, sticking his hand out to shake, which Even does. It feels odd for a date, but Even’s the one that doesn’t know what he’s doing, so he just goes with it. 

“It’s really nice to meet you,” Even says. It feels wrong. 

“Likewise. Should we go in?” Even nods, leading them inside. The reservation is under his own name, a way to have a little control in this situation. They’re led to a nice little table by the windows that would probably make Even’s romantic heart flutter if it wasn’t in his stomach. Adrian orders a glass of wine, and Even sticks with water. He can’t risk losing any sort of control tonight. 

“So Even, what do you do,” Adrian asks. Even takes a deep breath. This is happening. 

“Film studies. I’m a third year student,” he replies. Adrian nods, interested. 

“Oh, so you’ll be graduating next year?” Even nods, a fake smile stretched across his face. It’s a first date. This guy doesn’t need to know his baggage. 

He tries to forget that his first date with Isak had ended in all his bad parts rising to the surface and Isak staying anyway.

“Yes, and what do you do,” he finds himself asking. He doesn’t really care about the answer.

“I’m an intern at a law firm. I fast-tracked my graduation by six months, so I just finished my undergraduate degree in January, and I’ll start law school in August,” he says. Even’s heart pounds in his chest. This guy is way too structured and sure of himself for a mess like Even. He has everything so figured out, and Even is barely scraping by on a fucking arts degree. How can he compare to someone like this?

“That’s really cool,” he chokes out. He knows it sounds weak, especially when Adrian looks down like he’s ashamed of something.

He’s about to apologize and run away to hide and wallow in his shame, but Adrian puts a hand on his arm. “Listen, Even. Full disclosure, Mikael told me that you’re still hung up on your ex and you weren’t really sure about doing this. I don’t mean to be presumptive, but you seem miserable, so why don’t we stop calling this a date and just have a nice dinner as friends?” Even closes his eyes, shame filling his body. He takes another deep breath.

“I’m sorry. It’s not even that. At least not completely. I really do want to try getting over him, but you have everything so figured out, and I’m a complete mess. I just don’t think this is right,” he admits. Adrian’s eyes go soft, and Even feels like he can see right through him.

“Everyone is a mess. I just happen to be a mess that’s really good at school. Will you be less intimidated if I tell you that I still live with my parents because I almost bankrupted myself when i tried to manage my own money for two months?” Even finally smiles at that.

“Yeah, I think I would.” Adrian smiles back at him.

“We can call this a date if you want to, but we can also just call it having dinner. You seem like a really sweet guy, and I don’t want you to have an awful night if you aren’t ready for a real date.”

“Let’s just call it dinner,” Even decides.

As it turns out, calling it dinner made the whole evening much more enjoyable.

\---

Mikael is waiting up on the couch when Even gets home. He sits down, throwing his head back and letting out a deep sigh.

“How did it go,” Mikael asks. Even’s eyes prick with tears. He takes a shaky breath.

“It was fine,” he says. His voice cracks at the end.

“Ev,” Mikael says. He sounds sad. Even thinks he should join the club.

“I can’t do that again,” he admits. Even if it had gone okay, it was just too sad. Even isn’t a dating kind of person. He’s a ‘jump in head first and see what happens’ person. He hit the fucking jackpot with Isak, and he doesn’t think he’s going to get another chance like that.

“It’s alright,” Mikael says. Even isn’t sure about that.

**23 April 2020**

“So you’re telling me that you actually went on the date,” Brit asks him.

Brit is his therapist, a lovely woman about the same age as his parents who he’s been working with on and off since his diagnosis 4 years ago, and on a consistent weekly basis for almost a year now. He knows she’s more than eager for him to move on from Isak, and she has made that abundantly clear. As much as he trusts her and believes she has his best interest at heart, he hadn’t been sure that was the right move until Jonas confirmed that it was.

“We stopped calling it a date like ten minutes after we got there. I don’t think it could be considered one.” Brit smiles.

“No, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you actually went through with it. You made a plan, you arranged it, and you actually showed up. I thought you were going to cancel before you even left your apartment,” she says. She seems genuinely happy for him, though he’s not sure why.

“I’m glad you have so much faith in me,” he mumbles. She rolls her eyes.

“You don’t understand. I would have been proud of you even if you had cancelled on him at the last minute, because this is a really huge step. You need to give yourself some credit, okay? Do it right now. Tell me that you’re proud of yourself for going on a date.” He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t feel like he deserves it.

“Come on, Even. You deserve to be proud of yourself. For some perspective,” she pauses, flipping back in the notebook that she always uses during their sessions, “ah, here, two months ago, you said to me ‘I never want to even look at another person romantically. Isak is the love of my life, and him being gone doesn’t change that. I honestly don’t think I can even entertain the idea of moving on from him.’ You said that two months ago, and now you’ve at least made an attempt to see another man. Don’t you understand that it’s a big deal?” Even fidgets uncomfortably. He doesn’t want to be proud of himself for this.

“He could literally see from my face that I was miserable five minutes after meeting me. I don’t understand how you can say that wasn’t a failure,” he says, looking down at her shoes. Eye contact is too much.

“The point wasn’t for you to have some immediate love connection. I would have been more concerned if you had walked in here today and told me that the date was amazing and you aren’t thinking about Isak. The point was for you to try it, to tell yourself that you were going on a date with someone who isn’t Isak, and to be at relative peace with that, and you did an amazing job!” A tear slips down Even’s cheek. Brit slides a box of tissues to him, but he wipes his face with his hand instead. “You need to acknowledge the victories, no matter how big or small, remember?” Even nods.

“I’m proud of myself for trying,” he says. It’s quiet, because he feels guilty for saying it, but it seems to be enough for Brit.

“I am so happy for you. You’re doing so great.” Even nods, uncomfortable at the amount of praise she’s been giving him for the last few minutes. “Alright, I know you hate it when people are proud of you, so let’s switch gears for a little bit. Tell me about school.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of depression, mania, and sexual assault
> 
> another little apology for the time jump. i just thought even spending months trying to work through his thoughts and process what he's going through would get really boring and repetitive if i kept up with the days as i have been, but anyway, thank you to everyone who has been reading this!
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> even thinks it's going to be okay

**1 December 2018**

Even has a problem.

He has a lot of problems, actually, but this one is a little worse, because he’s spending tons of money, and he’s probably killed a whole tree in the last few months from all the paper he’s gone through.

He’s trying to get Isak out of his system through art, through making the drawings that Isak used to love so much and making his paper Isak say the things Even wants to hear and making him listen to the things Even wants to say. It’s not really working out.

He finished up a sketchbook last night, and he needs to replace it today. He thinks he’ll go crazy without it. He’s about to grab the same one as always when his eye catches the rest of the books in the section.

Even is a writer at heart. He loves to draw, of course, but for him, drawing is less about the actual characters and more about what they’re saying, what the art itself is saying. He’s gotten so wrapped up in letting his feelings out through art that he’s forgotten that he can write them and get them across so much better.

He picks up a brand new green sketchbook, and he also picks up a gray, lined notebook from the same company. He already knows he likes the quality of their stuff, so why not?

It’s gray because of something his therapist said to him years ago. He’s a very all or nothing thinker, she said, he needs to find the gray area of his thoughts.

This is a gray area, he thinks. He can’t have Isak, but he also can’t not have Isak, so he’s compromising with himself. This way, he can talk to Isak without actually talking to Isak.

In all honesty, he knows he shouldn’t do it. He should write his thoughts out on a single piece of paper and burn it. He shouldn't start putting all of himself into a method of faux communication that will, no doubt, make him feel worse in the long run, but he’s hurting, and pain tends to make people do irrational things.

He loves the feeling of opening up a blank notebook, but this one feels bittersweet. He grabs his favorite blue pen, Isak’s favorite color, and he starts to write, and he doesn’t really stop.

**9 May 2020**

_Dear Isak,_

_I know this is odd. I’ve never really addressed you this formally, not even in this book. There’s a first time for everything, I guess. If it’s any consolation, it’s weird for me too. It’s just that I’ve reached the end of this notebook, and I’ve decided that it’s enough. You aren’t coming back, so what’s the point in talking to you when I could try to find someone new. I just felt like giving you a proper goodbye was the right thing to do, so here it goes._

_I don’t want to find someone new, obviously. I always thought that we’d get married and fight over if we should get a dog or a cat and then ultimately decide that one of those giant bunnies with the floppy ears is the right choice for us, then it would bite you, and you’d get mad at it and threaten to give it to Eva, but you’d secretly hate the idea and we’d keep it forever because you love it. I’ve thought about it way, way too much, but I’m sure you remember my tendancy to do that._

_I still have so many things I want to say to you. I know that’s pretty shocking, because this entire notebook is almost 300 pages of me pouring my soul out to you, but I was prepared for at least 20 years of conversation with you. I don’t think I can afford that many notebooks, though, so you’ll have to settle for just 3 years._

_I’ll just say this to finish off: I hope that you’ve found happiness and safety, and I hope that stays with you for the rest of your life. I will never forget or get over you, but I’m going to try to find those things too. To do that, I need to let go of the parts of you that I’ve been clinging to since you left. If we ever happen to see each other again, I can’t promise that I won’t beg you to come home, but I hope you know that I’ve always wanted whatever is best for you. I love you._

_Love, Even_

\---

A tear falls off Even’s face as he finishes up. It blurs the word ‘love,’ and Even thinks that’s pretty fitting. He draws an arrow pointing to the spot, and he writes ‘ _I sincerely hope this is the last tear I cry over you._ ’ It’s done now, he thinks. 

He hears a knock on his door, and half of him wants to ignore it, to sit here and be sad, but the other half of him knows that it’s absolutely ridiculous to mourn the completion of his obsessive communication with his missing ex-boyfriend, so he says to come in.

“Hey, what happened?” Mikael asks when he sees the tears on Even’s face. Even shakes his head, signalling that he needs a second, and Mikael sits down next to him on the bed, waiting patiently for him to speak.

He picks up the notebook, showing it to Mikael. “I just finished it,” he says, “and I’m not going to do another one.” Mikael nods, putting a supportive hand on Even’s shoulder.

“I think that’s the right thing to do. I’m proud of you,” he says. Even nods.

“I think I’m proud of me too.” From the corner of his eye, he can see Mikael’s face light up.

“That’s really great, Ev.” Even just nods again. He’s done being happy for himself for now. It’s too overwhelming. “Are you gonna get rid of it? I’m sure we could think of something to do that would cleanse the vibe and satisfy your cinematic side at the same time.” Mikael has been spending way too much time smoking weed with Jonas.

“No. No, I can’t do that. It’s too important to get rid of,” he decides. He’s poured his heart out here. Even if Isak will never see it, he needs to keep it. It’s meant everything to him for the past year. It feels like a part of him.

“Okay, well, Jonas just texted me that he’s super bored and everyone is welcome to come join him for a movie night with snacks on him. I was thinking we could choose the most derivative film in your collection and I’ll use my powers of persuasion to make sure he puts it on. What do you think?” Even smiles for the first time this evening.

“I think that’s a fantastic idea. Give me ten minutes.”

\---

They hear Jonas’s voice as soon as they step off the elevator on his floor, so he must be out in the hallway for some reason. They follow it to the end of the hall where his apartment is, and his back is facing them as he talks to someone one the phone.

“Yeah, I know. It was insane. I couldn’t believe she would-” he cuts himself off when he sees them, eyes going wider than Even thinks he’s ever seen them. “One second,” he says to the person on the phone, moving it away from his ear and trying to hide the screen from their view. “Hi,” he says to them, choking on the surprise and the guilt.

“You don’t have to hide that you’re talking to him. We’ll wait inside,” Even says. Jonas looks terribly guilty, but he doesn’t say anything else, just stands to the side so they can get to the door.

Mikael turns to him as soon as the door shuts. “Are you okay?” he asks. Even needs a minute to process.

“That’s the closest I’ve been to him since he left. He may have heard my voice if he had the sound loud enough,” which he probably did, because he almost always took phone calls with the volume up as loud as it could go, but Even doesn’t add that part out loud. He takes a deep breath. Mikael looks beyond worried about him, but Even isn’t going to let this ruin everyone’s night. It was just a phone call that Even had no part in. He doesn’t need to torture himself over this tonight. “I’m okay,” he says, and he thinks he really means it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one was a little short! i don't write things in order, so i've been working on this chapter for weeks, and i decided this morning that i hated what i had, so i deleted it and wrote this in about 30 minutes, so i'm sorry if it seems rushed or has any huge mistakes.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check the end notes for warnings

**29 May 2020**

God only knows why, but Elias has had the genius idea to stay up all night to finish the rest of his homework for the semester so he can just chill until exams.

And somehow, the rest of his friends agreed that it was a genius idea. Even called them dumbasses, and his punishment for being rude is that he has to make their 9pm coffee run for them before the shop closes tonight. He doesn’t understand why they need any assistance staying awake this early on a Friday night, but he received multiple glares when he asked. He needs some fresh air, anyway, and he might catch a nice sunset if he takes his time.

He chooses the coffee shop closest to his apartment, where everyone has settled into the living room and kitchen for the night. Even has no idea how he’s ever going to sleep through all that. This place doesn’t have the best coffee by a long shot, but the prices are decent, and his friends are crazy if they think he’s going to waste a few days worth of money on coffee that he can’t even enjoy.

He’s opening the door when he stops dead in his tracks, because there’s a boy ordering that looks exactly like Isak. 

His hair is a little longer than Isak ever let his get, the curl a little more defined because of it. His face is a little thinner. His whole body is, really. He’s wearing clothes that Isak never would have worn, but other than that, he looks exactly like him. Maybe he’ll tell Jonas, because he thinks Isak would be amused by the fact that he has a doppleganger.

He’s a little freaked out, so he’s just going to wait outside until the boy leaves, but then he holds up his arm to hand the barista his card.

He’s wearing the bracelet Even gave him for his 19th birthday.

It’s fucking Isak.

_No_. It can’t be. Isak isn’t coming back ever. That bracelet is pretty basic, or maybe it’s not. It’s some cheap plastic and metal. How the hell is Even supposed to know how many people have the same one?

It has to be a lot, though, because it’s a pretty crazy coincidence that his doppleganger has what looks like the same exact one.

Even steps inside. He needs to get a closer look at what’s going on here, because this is weird. Not-Isak doesn’t react to the bell ringing as the door opens, so Even takes the opportunity to stare at him. He’s moved away from the counter, and he’s looking at his phone, so Even can’t actually see his face. He has the same hands, though, but it can’t be Isak, because there’s traces of what looks like glittery nail polish from what Even can see. Isak wouldn’t paint his nails. He wouldn’t. He flinched one time when Eva suggested it. There’s no way he’d paint his nails for any reason.

There’s also no way Isak would hold onto that bracelet after what Even did. It’s just a small thing, one of those bracelets that looks like it was made by a kid at summer camp, but it’s actually decent quality from a cute little shop Even stumbled across. The beads are purple and spell out “angel” with hearts and stars surrounding it. Even had gotten it for no reason other than he loved calling Isak “angel,” and there’s no way Isak would wear a constant reminder of his ex on his wrist when they haven’t spoken in two years. No way.

It’s not Isak.

But it might be.

There’s really only one way to find out.

“Isak,” Even says. He whips around almost comically fast. Even’s blood runs cold. Isak Valtersen is an arm’s length away from him.

“Even,” he says back, his voice nervous and small but the most beautiful sound Even has ever heard in his life. “Hi.” Even just stares at him for a second.

“Hi,” he chokes out.

“How are you?” Isak asks. Even keeps staring.

“Fuck, sorry, I’m just kind of speechless right now. You’re just, like, here.” Isak blushes, looks away, and nods.

“Yeah, I understand. I never thought it would happen, either,” he says, avoiding Even’s eyes like it’s the only thing he cares about doing.

“Where have you been?” Even asks. It feels like the mystery of a lifetime to him, but to Isak, it’s just a little piece of trivia. He’s desperate to know, because who wouldn’t be, but Isak seems reluctant to answer, opening and closing his mouth a few times in hesitation. Even realizes that he’s asking too much, that he’s cornering Isak, and it isn’t fair. He’s about to tell him to forget it, that it doesn’t matter because he’s here now, when a man walks up behind Isak with two drinks, and Isak almost jumps out of his skin when the man touches his arm.

“Fuck, sorry,” Isak mutters when he sees who it is. He takes a deep breath, grabbing the drink the man is handing him with shaking hands. He looks like a nervous wreck, and Even just hopes with everything in him that it isn’t his presence that’s making Isak so uncomfortable.

The man whispers something in Isak’s ear, and Isak shakes his head. There’s something familiar about the way they interact, something that makes Even see that Isak has clearly moved on from him. He guesses he should’ve expected that. He broke up with Isak when he was struggling, and it only makes sense that Isak would find someone who actually wanted to be there for him through everything, but Even always foolishly thought that Isak would come home and fall into his arms like no time had passed. It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does to acknowledge that Isak’s life has continued without Even, but it does hurt. It makes his chest feel hollow. Even’s considering making a break for it, running and never turning back, when Isak speaks up again.

“Even, this is Riley. Riley, Even. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned him to you before.” _Ouch_. 

He says it in English, and Even can hardly believe that this is his Isak, the same one who would pout when Even would put on an English movie without Norwegian subtitles, the same Isak that used to literally hide behind Even if they were approached by English-speaking tourists because he was embarrassed about his accent and general skill level. Even’s not sure he would’ve recognized that it was Isak speaking if he weren’t standing right in front of him, and that’s a scary thought, that he might not recognize Isak. 

“Hi, Even. It’s really nice to meet you,” Riley says, putting his hand out for Even to shake, and then it’s abundantly clear why Isak’s English is so much better. His boyfriend is American, and Even realizes that’s probably where Isak has been this whole time.

Even shakes his hand, but he feels bad about it. He doesn’t think this Riley would think it’s nice to meet Even if he knew that Even was his boyfriend’s ex, the one that hurt him so badly that he felt the need to make himself disappear from his own life. He can only imagine the hate that would fill this guys eyes if Isak explained to him what Even had done.

“Nice to meet you too,” Even says. He only hopes it doesn’t sound fake.

They both turn their attention back to Isak, because he’s the common link here. The two of them have nothing to talk about without him.

He looks awful. Not in a ‘he’s unattractive’ way, but in a ‘baby, you look awful. Please get some rest’ kind of way. Even still knows his face like the back of his own hand, and he’s clearly panicking about something, but Even doesn’t know him enough anymore to know what.

“You okay?” Riley asks, his full, undivided attention on Isak’s face. Isak takes a shaky breath.

“Can we go outside?” he asks, never looking up from the floor.

“Of course we can,” Riley says, putting a hand on Isak’s back to lead him out the door. He motions for Even to follow. He’s not sure that’s the best idea, but he’ll take what he can get. If that’s thirty more seconds in Isak’s presence before he’s screamed at to fuck off, then that’s what he’ll take, and he’ll feel lucky.

They all cross the street, finding an empty bench that Riley leads Isak to, and Even joins them when Isak tells him to sit. His hand is still shaking around his cup, but Even knows he wouldn’t intentionally make things harder for himself right in front of his boyfriend, so he figures it’s safe.

It’s quiet for a minute, the sounds of the city punctuated by Isak trying to regulate his breathing and Riley drawing circles on the fabric of his jacket to help him out. Even doesn’t dare look at them in such an intimate position. He’s not sure he could take it.

“What did you order?” he hears Riley ask.

“Just tea. No caffeine,” Isak answers. Even finally gathers the courage to look over at them at the sound of his voice.

Riley’s arm is slung protectively around Isak, who’s staring at the ground, unwavering. Riley catches Even’s eye, mouths ‘sorry’ exaggeratedly, to which Even just nods. He has no idea how well Even understands Isak’s overwhelmed moods. At least he’s calmed down now, a blank look on his face instead of the panic and fear from a few minutes ago, so Even takes the opportunity to try to break the ice.

“So what are you guys doing in Oslo,” he asks. He can’t help but be curious as to why Isak is here after the lengths he went to when he left to make sure no one knew where he was and Jonas’s certainty that Isak would never even consider coming back here.

“Markus’s trial starts on Monday.” Isak is back to looking like a ball of nerves, his eyes fixed on the lid of his drink, where he’s tracing the logo with his finger.

“You heard about that? I didn’t think you would-”

“Even, I,” Isak takes a deep breath. It seems like he started talking with no purpose other than getting Even to stop, and he doesn’t know what else to say. Riley is frozen, looking like he’s seen a ghost. “I’m not here to support him. I’m here to testify against him.”

Even’s heart stops beating, all the blood leaves his body, and his brain goes numb. “What?”

“Please don’t make me spell it out.” 

A tear falls down Isak’s cheek, and he wipes it away as fast as humanly possible. Even feels like he can’t breathe. He wants to ask when, but he’s not naive enough to think he doesn’t know exactly when it happened. Before he even realizes, he’s crying, and Isak is reaching out for his hand.

“I’m okay now, Ev.” He’s switched back to speaking Norwegian, and Even couldn’t be more thankful that he’s allowing this to be a private moment between the two of them. His voice is pained, but he seems like he’s doing a decent job of holding it together. “It was a long time ago now, and I’ve been doing my best to get through this and get better, and I’m doing really well.” He cups Even’s jaw, wipes a tear from his face, a bittersweet smile on his face. “I know you’re going to overthink this, but I promise you that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. Nothing that has happened to me was ever your fault.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Isak looks down in shame, and Even immediately wants to backtrack. He shouldn’t imply that anything was even close to being Isak’s fault, that much he knows. “I’m sorry, I-”

“No, it’s, it’s a fair question for you to ask. You know I trusted you with everything in me, okay, so it was never about that. I don’t want you to ever think that I didn’t trust you. I was in denial, and I thought that ignoring it would make it go away, and I could be better, but we both know how that works, right?” Isak gives him a sad smile. Even laughs a little through his tears. “I know you have a million questions, but this is already a lot for you to process, and I’m exhausted. Maybe we can talk when everything is over,” he suggests. Even nods.

“Yes, please.” Isak wipes the remaining tears from Even’s face, then pulls his hands away. The loss of contact feels like it empties everything from his body. He’s in shock, he thinks.

“Isak,” he hears, bringing him out of the bubble and back to reality. It occurs to him that, even if Riley bothered to learn some Norwegian for Isak, there’s basically no chance that he understood the emotional blubber of two native speakers. He just watched his boyfriend holding another man’s face, wiping his tears, gripping his hand with very little context, but he doesn’t really seem that concerned about it, which Even is very thankful for. He doesn’t think either of them have the energy for jealousy right now.

“Can we walk you home, Ev? I don’t think you should be alone right now,” Isak says, and he’s back to English, their private moment over. This is normally where Even would get irritated, tell Isak that he has no business making guesses about Even’s mental state when he’s been gone for so fucking long, but he’s right. Even shouldn’t be alone right now, so he nods, standing and beginning to lead them in the direction of his apartment.

The walk is basically silent. Even’s on auto-pilot, and Isak seems a little dazed and out of it, allowing Even to lead them and Riley to basically drag him along. Even can only imagine how hard this must be for him.

Even stops when they reach the door to his building. He figures they’ll say goodbye and be on their respective ways, but Isak breaks away from Riley’s grip on his shoulder, standing beside Even.

“I’ll just walk him up. Give us two minutes,” he says.

“Are you sure?” Riley asks. Even’s not sure what that’s about, because there’s no way he knows who Even was to Isak, but he seems nervous about Isak going somewhere alone with him.

“Yeah, it’s fine. It’s just an elevator,” he says, his voice almost back to it’s normal level of sarcasm. Riley smiles and rolls his eyes.

“I’ll be right here,” he says.

Even opens the door, letting them into the building. There’s someone hanging around near the stairwell, so it doesn’t really hit him until they’re getting into the elevator that he’s _alone with Isak_.

They stay quiet on the way up, Isak leaning against the wall for support. It’s small, and every breath sounds so loud that he’s sure Isak can hear even his heart beating. Even’s walking to the door, hoping that Isak really was just making sure he got inside safely, when Isak grabs his arm, stopping him in his tracks. He turns to face him, but neither of them can look each other in the eye. It’s too much.

Isak grabs one of Even’s hands with both of his, eyes fixed on it. He takes another deep breath. “I hope you know that I never meant for you to find out this way,” he says. Even squeezes his hand.

“Did you mean for me to find out at all?” Isak shakes his head. He blinks, and the tears start.

“God, Even, I was so fucking stupid. I should’ve listened to you, I mean-” he’s cut of when his breath stutters. Even raises a shaky hand to wipe his tears, going slow so Isak has the opportunity to push him away if he so chooses. He doesn’t.

“Baby, no.” Oops. “This couldn’t possibly be your fault. You didn’t listen to me because my complaints about him were unfounded and ridiculous. I didn’t know he was a,” Even pauses, trying to figure out what to say that won’t hurt Isak any further.

“Yeah, I know. I just, I’m so fucking sorry, Ev. I know I hurt you, and I hope that you can believe that I never wanted to do that. Never.” Even nods.

“I think I could say the same thing to you.” Isak smiles, watery and strained, but real. “Is, you look exhausted. Go get some rest, okay? We have all the time in the world to talk when the hard part is done. Just focus on that for now.” Isak nods, his hands slipping out of Even’s. He feels the loss everywhere.

“I’m staying with the boys. I’ll get your number from one of them.” Even nods, too tired to drag this out any longer. Isak takes a step back, then he finally looks up for the first time since Even greeted him.

Before Even knows what’s happening, he has an armful of Isak. There are arms around his shoulders, a face pressed into his neck, a little sticky from residual tears, and it’s the warmest Even has ever felt in his life. He grips onto him like his life depends on it, and he kind of feels like it does. It’s not comfortable. It _hurts_. Both of their grips are painfully tight, and he can feel both of them crying more than he can hear it, but he needs this. He needs this more than he’s ever needed anything.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Even whispers into Isak’s ear. Against all odds, Isak’s grip tightens.

“I’ve missed you too,” Isak says, his breath tickling Even’s neck.

Even feels completely drained when they finally separate, like he gave literally everything he had to Isak just now. He wipes the remaining tears from Isak’s face one last time before saying, “you should get back to Riley.” It hurts, after that exchange, to acknowledge Isak’s new boyfriend, but he needs to remember that he has one. No underhanded attempts to get Isak to cheat with him this time. He’s not a reckless teenager anymore.

“Yeah, I’ll see you soon, though. Promise.” Even’s eyes blur as he watches Isak turn around and start walking. He turns back again, waving while he waits for the elevator. Even doesn’t move a muscle until he’s completely out of sight.

The door to the apartment is unlocked, and Even’s glad. He doesn’t think he could manage to get it unlocked by himself. He feels completely out of it, like he’s kind of just floating, and maybe that was all a dream, a horrific dream.

Elias looks up when the door shuts. He’s the only one with a clear line of sight from where he’s sitting, and he frowns. “We sent you out for coffee, Even, what the fuck?” Even shakes his head. He completely forgot about that. “Are you okay?” Even shakes his head again, floating inside and being thrown down on the couch when his legs can’t take it anymore.

“Go to my room, guys,” he hears Mikael say, and they’re suddenly alone. “Did you run into him?” He puts a hand over his mouth to muffle his cries as he nods. “And he told you what happened?” Even turns his head so fast that it hurts.

“You knew?” Even asks. Normally, there would be some heat, some accusation behind it, but he can’t do it right now.

“Jonas told me everything a few days ago, with Isak’s permission, of course. I was angry when I found out he was coming back with no warning. He’s been trying to figure out how to tell you for weeks, but I guess it just slipped out, huh?” Even nods again.

“He didn’t want me to know.”

“Would you want him to know?” Even pauses, because he hadn’t thought of it that way. No fucking chance he’d even consider telling Isak if something like that happened to him.

“Fuck, I thought I was getting over him.” Mikael hugs him, but it feels like nothing compared to the way Isak’s felt just a few minutes ago.

“I know. This is really the worst timing ever, and I know I normally suggest being selfish in these situations, but this is about him. He’s hanging on by a thread right now, and I don’t think he can handle you being harsh with him.” Even shakes his head.

“I don’t want to be harsh with him. I could never.”

“I know, I’m just,” Mikael pauses to gather his thoughts. “I want you to be careful.”

“I will be. He wants to talk when the trial is over, so maybe I can get some actual closure now.” Mikael squeezes his arm, kisses his forehead.

“One day at a time, right?” Even chokes on another sob, but he nods.

“One day at a time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: mentions of sexual assault 
> 
> okay, where to start with this one. i'm beyond nervous about it, but i hope it's lived up to everyone's expectations. we aren't even close to the end, though, so don't worry. isak and even will both get closure. i know that some people don't like any kind of story that uses a sexual assault as a plot point, but this story has always been about exploring the aftermath and recovery for both isak and even, so i will never give any explicit details of what isak experienced. i'm open to criticism on this, but please be gentle.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if anyone read the chapter 11 that i had up for about an hour earlier in the week, this is a completely rewritten version of that, so sorry about that
> 
> check the end notes for warnings

**31 May 2020**

There’s a term for this. Willful ignorance, he thinks.

Looking back, it was kind of obvious: Isak being freaked out by skin on skin contact, the sudden mood swings, the anger at the mere mention of Markus’s name, the nightmares, the lack of interest in anything remotely sexual. Even could probably list a hundred symptoms of post-traumatic stress that Isak had displayed, and Even never put it together.

He can’t even imagine what Isak had gone through, and Even had undoubtedly made it worse in his attempts to keep their relationship afloat. He never, never would have broken up with Isak if he had known about what he suffered through to make him behave the way he did. Maybe that’s wrong, to say that he would have tried harder if he’d known that Isak was the victim of a brutal crime, but it’s the truth. 

He hates that Isak didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell him what happened. If he could remember every detail of their relationship, maybe play it back to look at it objectively, he’d pick out every single mistake he’d ever made that could have even possibly made Isak hesitant to be honest, and he’d get on his knees, apologize, and beg for forgiveness.

He keeps trying to block it out; the images, the details, the thought of how Isak could’ve gotten out of that situation with that nasty bruise on his face, the fact that he asked Isak to go out the night that it probably happened. He knows it’s selfish to hope that it didn’t happen then, but Even doesn’t think he could live with himself if he was at fault for Isak’s long and unending pain and suffering.

The only thing Even can think to do right now is to be there for every single thing that happens, to be one of the people that supports Isak unconditionally through this, so he decides to take a page out of Isak’s book and googles ‘how to support sexual assault survivors’.

He reads, and reads, and reads, and there’s a frustrating lack of information. Half of what he finds are articles written from the perspective that women are always the victims and men are always the predators, and how is he supposed to use that to support a man that was preyed upon when he was 18 while thinking he was safely in the hands of a good friend? How is he supposed to work with any of this?

Everything has three main points; listen to him, be vocal in believing him, and try to make sure he feels safe as much as possible, and it doesn’t fucking help. He knows he can’t just magically make things better for Isak, but he wishes there were at least more information that he could use.

Still, it’s all he can find, so he has to make it work. He just hopes that he still knows Isak well enough to help him through this without making it any worse.

**2 June 2020**

If Isak was hanging on by a thread before, that thread has snapped the next time Even sees him.

Isak has spent his weekend making the rounds, apologizing to everyone for leaving the way he did and explaining the basics of what happened so they don’t have to hear about it from someone else, and Even has been busy with school and work, so they don’t see each other again until the morning Isak is set to testify.

Jonas suggested that Even come over to wish Isak luck, because he needs all the support he can possibly get right now. The door is open when he arrives, so he just walks in, and his heart breaks at the scene in front of him.

Isak is trying to get dressed, but his hands are shaking too much to button his own shirt, so he has to have Jonas do it for him since Riley is also getting dressed. Isak gives Even the weakest smile he’s ever seen, and Even tries to give him a real one back, but it hurts a little too much to see him this scared, so it probably turns out looking similar to Isak’s.

“Do you think my pants are too tight?” Isak asks Jonas, eyes wide and scared as he looks at himself in the mirror.

“No, they fit you,” Jonas answers, and Isak runs a frustrated hand through his hair. That’s not what he was asking, and Even knows that. The pants are tapered and fitted nicely, and Isak probably thinks it’s inappropriate for the occasion.

“Is,” Even says, interrupting the inevitable breakdown, “they look good on you. I think you look professional.” Isak takes a breath of relief, a faint smile on his lips.

“Thanks,” he says. Jonas turns to Even, shocked that he just diffused that timebomb so quickly, but Even just knows how Isak’s mind works, that’s all.

“Isak,” Riley calls out as he exits the bathroom. Isak halfheartedly hums his acknowledgement. “Have you eaten?” he asks. Isak deflates a little more.

“I can’t,” he answers. Riley steps closer, getting into his space.

He whispers something into Isak’s ear, and Isak looks away, embarrassed, as Riley raises his eyebrows. Isak nods, and Even has to wonder what happened to make him flip so fast, but it’s probably not any of his business. “Toast with butter,” Riley suggests. Isak shakes his head.

“No butter right now.” Riley sighs, frustrated, and Even’s getting irritated, because this is probably the most stressful morning of Isak’s life, and his own boyfriend can’t even pretend to be sympathetic to what he’s going through right now.

“I think we have jam, Issy,” Jonas suggests.

“That’s fine,” Isak says, still avoiding everyone’s eyes.

“I’ll help you out, Riley,” Jonas says. Riley looks like he’s about to protest, but Jonas shakes his head, a threat clear in his eyes, so Riley just follows him to the kitchen.

Even steps closer to Isak, taking one of his hands. He’s shaking like a leaf, but Even doesn’t point it out. He just rubs his thumb on the back of Isak’s hand. “How are you feeling?” he asks. He already knows the answer, but checking with Isak is the right thing to do here. Isak lets out a shaky sigh.

“Really bad. I don’t think I can do it,” he says. He looks up, his eyes filled with tears, and Even’s heart shatters.

“Of course you can. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met,” Even says. He hopes it means something.

“No, Even, you don’t understand. I have to go sit in a public place and describe the details of an assault that I barely remember that happened over two years ago. I haven’t even been able to tell Riley the whole story, and if I do it, it’s a matter of public record, okay? They have to show the video and all the pictures of everything he did to me and those girls to actual real life people. They’re going to _see_ that, Even, and they’re going to know I was stupid enough to be his friend for _months_ without seeing a single red flag, and they’re going to know he was harassing me for weeks before it happened, and I had no clue it was him, and they’re going to know that I took an open drink from him even though it’s basic fucking common sense to never take an open drink from anyone you don’t trust with everything in you, and I just-” Isak chokes, his voice breaking off in a sob. The details he let slip make Even nauseous, but he has to push through that, because it isn’t going to help Isak one bit.

“Can I hug you,” Even whispers. Isak nods, his eyes squeezed shut and leaking tears. Even pulls him in slowly, makes sure he’s comfortable. Isak hides in his neck, and he pets the back of Isak’s hair. His heart is beating so fast and hard that it scares Even, so he holds on tighter. “Listen, it’s just your friends here right now. You’re safe. Take a few deep breaths, and we’ll make a decision together once you’ve calmed down a little. Does that sound okay?” Isak nods into his shoulder, fisting the back of Even’s shirt with his still shaking hand. “You’re not alone.”

He says it because Isak needs to hear it, because that’s the thing that saved Even’s life that night in the courtyard at Nissen, and that’s what Isak needs right now. He thinks it might have been the wrong call, though, because a hurt noise escapes Isak’s mouth, he holds Even tighter, and his cries get harder. It’s the painful kind of cry, where no sound comes out, but his body jolts every time, and every breath stutters painfully like he’s choking. Even can’t think of a thing to do besides holding him and not letting go until he asks for it.

Isak’s legs start to shake, so Even lowers them to the ground, making sure Isak is comfortable before he settles in himself. He holds Isak to his chest, desperately trying to calm him down before things get any worse. Jonas peeks through the doorway, clearly having heard everything for the last few minutes, but Even just shakes his head, makes Jonas go away. Isak doesn’t need more than one person witnessing him having a complete and total breakdown.

“I’m gonna talk to you, Is, and all you have to do is focus on my voice and try to breathe. Don’t respond to me. Just focus and let me help you.” He stops, takes a deep breath, and wonders for a moment if this is the right thing to do. He just wants Isak to feel loved and supported, so he thinks it is, but there’s no way to be sure until he does it. 

“Do you remember the first time you and I went grocery shopping together? Because I do. We were cooking dinner together, so we thought it was only right that we shop together, and we were both so fucking scared and didn’t tell each other because we wanted the other person to have a good time. You were scared of doing something domestic with a man in public, and I was scared because I just fucking suck at shopping. I still do, by the way.” Isak lets out what sounds like a choked laugh, his breathing slowing down the slightest bit, and Even squeezes his arm in support.

“I remember I grabbed your hand, and it was shaking, and I thought it was mine that was shaking, but you wouldn’t let me pull away, because you were so determined to face your fears. You told me that later, how hard it was for you to do that, but how you needed to because you wanted to be a better partner to me. And I remember that I just literally couldn’t believe how strong you were. Sorry, how strong you _are_ , because you are literally the strongest person I’ve ever met, and I’m pretty sure you can literally do anything in the world that you want to do.” Isak seems to have calmed down, leaning against Even’s chest like he’s a puppet whose strings have been cut, playing with the button of Even’s jacket, eyes red and swollen with his tears having slowed to almost nothing. “If you don’t want to do this, Isak, no one that loves you will be angry with you, and isn’t that what you care about?” He sniffles, burrowing into Even’s chest more than he thought physically possible, and he nods. 

“And, you know, maybe I’m wrong, but I think the only person who may have an issue with you not doing it is you. It’s completely up to you, but I like to think I still know you a little bit, and you’ll be angry with yourself in a few days if you back out. I don’t want to pressure you, and I’ll be proud of you either way, but I just want you to think about it, okay?” Isak nods again. 

“You still know me,” he says, voice broken and raspy. “Maybe you need to learn some new things, but you could never not know me after what we’ve been through together.” Even smiles, kisses the top of his head.

“I forgot how wise you can be sometimes,” he says. Isak smiles up at him.

“Yeah, well I’m almost 21 now. I thought I might as well just lean into the fact that I need to be a wise old man soon.” Even rolls his eyes playfully, making sure Isak can see the smile on his face so he doesn’t the wrong idea.

“I definitley didn’t forget how fucking dramatic you can be,” he says, squeezing Isak’s arm again. Isak laughs, and the beautiful sound hits Even right in the chest, because he hasn’t heard it in person for two long, long years. It’s one of the things he’s missed the most. Isak looks up at him again, his eyes bright and loving, his face blotchy and stained with tears, and he gives Even a smile, a real one this time.

“Thank you,” he says, and it means a thousand things. Even hears every single one for what it is. He holds Isak’s face, wipes his cheek with his thumb, and Isak leans into the touch. It’s enough of a response for Isak to understand. “I think I’ll go get cleaned up now,” he says, gesturing to the disarray of his face and hair. Even smiles at him, getting up and helping Isak to stand on shaky legs before he disappears into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Jonas and Riley come out from the kitchen the second the door closes behind Isak. He knows Jonas was listening, but Riley couldn’t have been, which is a pretty good thing, because Even forgot that he’s apparently not supposed to know who Even is to Isak.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Riley whispers to Even. Even feels a sick sort of satisfaction that he has to ask for that information, and he hates himself for it a little bit. 

“I think so,” he says. He hopes Isak just needed to get that out of his system.

“Thank you for being here for him,” he says, and Even feels awful again. He could’ve been there for Isak for the last two years had he not been such an idiot after they broke up, and Isak has clearly needed something that he’s not getting, judging by how little it took for him to completely let go of everything when he was alone with Even. That’s not his business anymore, though.

Isak comes back out of the bathroom looking much more composed, his hair fixed and his tears washed off his face. He smiles at Even, but avoids his eyes. Even can imagine that he’s a little embarrassed by that whole display, but he’ll be okay soon, hopefully.

They all sit around, talking about stupid stuff that doesn’t matter while Isak eats half of his toast, drinks half of his water, and just listens, not contributing anything to the conversation.

“Ready to go Is?” Riley asks after a few minutes. He didn’t hear that part about Isak thinking of backing out. Isak looks to Even for help, but he just does his best to give Isak an encouraging look, because it has to be his decision. It’s a tense few moments of silence, of Isak’s brain visibly racing until he nods. “Yeah, I’m ready,” he says. Even can’t hold back a prideful smile in his direction, which makes him blush.

He gives Jonas a hug, and Even thinks he’s just going to leave, but he turns to give Even one, too. “Can I text you when I’m done?” he asks quietly, right into Even’s ear.

“Of course you can. I can’t wait to hear how amazing you’re gonna do.” Isak nods as he pulls back, and he takes Riley’s hand as they walk out, Jonas shouting “good luck,” just as the door shuts.

Even sighs and leans back, finally allowing his composure to slip. It never gets easier to see Isak’s sadness and hurt, and that had to be one of the most painful experiences of his life, holding Isak while he fell apart like that. He feels a hand on his shoulder, grounding him.

“If it helps at all, he’s been trying really hard to hold it together since this whole thing started, and he’s never gotten that upset about it. I kind of knew it was coming, and you did really great getting him through it,” Jonas says. Even nods.

“That does help, actually. Thanks.”

“No problem. How are you doing with, you know, everything?” he asks. Even shrugs, because he really doesn’t even think it’s fully gotten through his head.

“I don’t know. I mean, I feel completely disgusted by what happened, but that’s pretty much that. It’s hard seeing him, especially like this, but I just missed him too much to care about that,” he admits. He doesn’t mention Riley, his jealousy. He broke up with Isak, and it would be gross of him to be jealous of Isak’s boyfriend.

“You’re doing the right thing here. For him, at least. He’s been super worried about your reaction, and I think you pretty much gave him the best case scenario.”

“I’m glad. He deserves everything good in the world.” _I’m still so fucking in love with him_ , is what he doesn’t say, but it’s there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: discussions of sexual assault, extremely brief mention of suicidal thoughts, possible tw for an implied eating disorder
> 
> i don't feel _great_ about this one, because i've rewritten it so many times that my brain is just kind of not processing it now, but it kind of gets the story where it needs to be for isak and even to start working through everything. also, i tried to do a little research on how Norwegian courts work, but unsurprisingly, most of the information that i could find in english was basically a layout of the judicial system, so i apologize for any inaccuracies here and going forward as isak explains his story to even.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some healing, some heartache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check the end notes for warnings

**2 June 2020**

Even finds himself on the way back to the boys’ apartment when his classes are over for the day. He wasn’t really invited, but Isak didn’t text him like he said he would, and he’s too desperate to make sure Isak is okay to ask and risk being told to stay away, so he just makes his way into the building. He knocks on the door this time, though, and quickly learns why he should’ve texted Jonas when Eskild answers the door.

He stands there for a minute, stunned that Eskild would even consider letting him in after how angry he’s been. He takes a step back, says “Sorry, I’ll just text Isak later,” and turns to leave before Eskild grabs his wrist.

“Even, wait. I’m sorry,” he says. Even’s convinced he’s fallen into some sort of parallel universe, because _what?_ He turns back around slowly, and Eskild drops his arm when he sees that he has Even’s attention. He props the door open with the deadbolt and steps outside. “I’ve been completely irrational. I know that’s a shitty excuse for hating you for two years, but I’ve known what happened to him the whole time, and I got it in my head when you broke up with him that you knew and just didn’t want to support him while he worked through it, but he’s been gushing about how amazing you’ve been since I got here, and I realized that I should never have been so harsh on you. So I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, but Isak thinks we made up six months ago, and I think he’ll collapse from stress if he gets any more bad news today, so let's just get along in from of him.”

There’s a _lot_ to unpack from Eskild’s speech, but Even decides the most pressing matter is “More bad news?” Eskild gives him a sad look.

“They didn’t go easy on him today. He’s kind of reached that point where he’s just trying to pretend that everything is okay. I’m sure you remember that one.” Eskild shrugs, and Even feels his heart cracking again.

“Is he okay?” Eskild sighs.

“He will be. He’ll be happy to see you, too, so come in. He’s in the shower right now, but he should be done soon.” Even nods, follows Eskild inside and to the living area where the boys, Mikael, and Riley are all sitting around, an empty spot that Even assumes belongs to Isak and Eskild.

“Even, hi!” Magnus says, getting up to throw his arms around Even’s shoulders. “I feel like we haven’t seen you in forever.” Normally, he’d say something, make a joke about how it’s been just a few days since he’s seen Magnus, but he’s not in the mood to be anything less than completely sincere tonight, not after everything that’s happened this week, so he just nods, hugging Magnus back. It gets him a couple concerned looks, but they all avert their attention when Isak comes back in, his hair wet and almost every inch of his skin covered by the clothes he’s chosen. Even understands that it makes him feel a little less exposed and vulnerable, because he does the same thing.

“I’m fine,” he says when he notices that everyone is looking at him. They all pretend to look away, but they don’t do a very good job of acting like they aren’t still watching his every move. Isak rolls his eyes before he notices Even.

He gets closer, waits for everyone to start talking again before they hug. “Sorry about this morning,” he says into Even’s ear.

“Don’t be. Thank you for letting me be there for you.” Isak nods, and nobody says anything when the hug lingers just a little too long for two people that used to be in love.

They both sit; Isak on the couch, wrapped up in Eskild’s arms in a way that he’d normally protest, and Even on the floor, because there’s no more room. Magnus chooses a movie, which Even guesses was a strategic choice, because Magnus hates sad movies, and Isak wouldn’t question him choosing something with no heavy themes the way he’d question it if someone else did the same thing.

It’s hard not to notice that no one has taken their attention off of Isak, but it seems Isak has let his guard down, because he hasn’t noticed. He’s staring blankly at the TV, letting Eskild hold him. 

Even reaches a point where he can’t take the tension anymore. He feels like he’s choking on it, so he gets up and goes into the kitchen under the guise of needing a glass of water.

He probably hasn’t even been in there for a minute when Riley follows him in, pulling the door that separates the rooms closed to muffle the sound, and this, Even thinks, is the point where he’s figured it out, and Even’s going to get an earful for how he’s been behaving with Isak.

“Can I talk to you for just a second?” Even nods. _Here it comes_. “It’s just that I saw that I kind of made you angry this morning when I was trying to get Isak to eat, and I just wanted to make sure you know that he’s not, like, in a bad situation with me.” _What?_ “It was tough love, you know? I don’t know if I should tell you this, but he passed out from not eating a few months ago, and I knew today would be stressful enough without him being all dizzy and sick.” Even knows he looks like an absolute dumbass, just staring as he tries to process all the information he’s been given. Isak’s boyfriend is trying to justify himself to Even, he knows Isak inside and out, just the way Even used to, Isak _passed out_ from not eating once. He’s never had the best eating habits, but jesus fucking christ, Even never imagined it would get to that point.

“Even, I just care about Isak, and it seems like he really cares about you, and I don’t want to be on anyone’s bad side over a misunderstanding. Are we good?” Even thinks the guilt he’s been feeling is poisoning his soul, and it only gets worse when he nods and says “We’re good.”

“Was he okay? After court, I mean.” Riley looks sad, a painful kind of sad that Even understands, especially when it comes from dealing with the pain of someone as wonderful as Isak.

“Not really, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I thought it was best to let him handle this the way he wants to.” He wants to ask if Isak could stomach any more food today. He wants to ask how many times he’s showered. He wants to ask if he’s freaked out about someone accidentally touching his skin, but instead, Even just nods. “Are you alright?” Riley asks.

“Yeah, I’m just really exhausted. I think I’ll go home.” _I’m in love with your boyfriend, I destroyed his heart, and you’re still picking up the pieces_.

“Oh, of course. We’ll probably see you soon, right?” He shouldn’t say yes. He should let Isak heal by himself, but he _can’t_.

“Yeah, sure. Isak has my number.”

“Right, yeah.” They both just kind of stand there, and Even feels a completely different kind of tension in the air.

“Well, um, bye.” He steps around Riley and leaves the kitchen. He goes to the living area to tell everyone he’s leaving, but Isak’s eyes are closed, and he’s fully leaning against Eskild. It’s impossible to tell if he’s actually asleep from where he is, but he’s not going to risk it, so he just walks in front of them and out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: discussions of sexual assault, implied eating disorder (?)
> 
> this is kind of short and filler-y, so i'm sorry about that, but i think it's important. thank you for reading!
> 
> also, i've just finished the outline for the last chapters of this story, and i've been thinking about doing a second story focused more on isak. scenes from his life when he was gone, his healing process in more depth, and maybe some stuff from this story from his perspective. my only hesitation is that it would be mostly original characters, so if anyone has any thoughts on this, please tell me.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check the end notes for warnings

**3 June 2020**

**Vilde**

_Hi Even ✨_  


_Hi Vilde_

_Are you busy tomorrow night?_

_No, I don’t think so_

_We’re having a little party at Magnus’s. It’s kind of a Nissen reunion since Isak is finally here, but we thought you might like to come too._

_Is Isak alright with all this?_

_Yes, of course. Everyone wants to see you if you want to come. I think Mikael is coming with Jonas, so you won’t be the only 97 there._

_Okay, I’ll be there_

**4 June 2020**

Even is drunk, and it’s impossible to hide how jealous he is of Riley. Good think Isak is drunk too, because he’d recognize it on Even’s face in a second if he would pay attention.

He looks stunning tonight. His jeans fit him well, and his sweatshirt is huge on him, but the bottom is cut off so it hits him in a nice place, and the sleeves are cuffed, which is a good look for him. And his _hair_ , for fucks sake. Even has no idea how it looks so good.

He’s pretty sure he hasn’t taken his eyes off Isak since he got here, and he’s pretty sure Isak hasn’t taken his hands off Riley. They’ve been walking around, Isak catching up with everyone and telling them about the good parts of his life, and Riley’s been right next to him, even though Even’s pretty sure he can’t actually understand half of the conversations Isak is having since a lot of the people he’s talking to are a little too far gone to have a coherent conversation in their second language.

He’s only seen Riley take a few sips of beer, and he wonders what that’s about. He’s acting the same way Even used to when he would make an effort to cut back on alcohol at a party. These days, he tends to avoid them altogether, because they were always more Isak’s scene, and it’s not much fun to go if you don’t have anyone, don’t want to hook up, and don’t really drink. Tonight, though, he’s not about to sit here in the same room with Isak and Riley sober.

He’s picked up on some new habits of Isak’s that hurt his heart a little bit. He’s keeping his drink close to his chest, within his line of sight, and if he moves it out of his view, he puts his finger over the opening. He put a bottle down when it was still half full, turned away for no more than three seconds, and ended up pouring the rest of the drink out and getting a new one. It kills Even that he’s this paranoid in a room full of people he’s known since he was 16, but he can’t even imagine the betrayal Isak had faced and how that’s messed with his head.

He keeps a hold of Riley’s hand or arm, as opposed to the way he used to wrap his whole body around Even when he drank, but in all fairness, the way he did that would require his drink being out of his sight.

“Even, buddy,” he hears. He turns to see Mikael giving him a sad, pitiful look. Even rolls his eyes, the annoyance starting to creep in. Mikael sits. “Staring at him all night isn’t gonna help anything. Have you even bothered talking to him?” Even returns to staring.

“Why should I?” He takes a drink, but his bottle is empty. He’s not really sure why, but it’s fucking funny, and he finds himself laughing, looking at the bottle. Mikael takes it from him.

“You haven’t had alcohol in months, dumbass. How much did you drink?” Even shrugs. Who cares about tracking things? Even doesn’t. “I’m gonna get you some water. Stay.” Even rolls his eyes again. He’s not a fucking dog.

He looks back to Isak, and it hurts. He’s put his drink down on the coffee table and wrapped his arms around Riley’s shoulders. Riley’s about as tall as Even, taller than Isak, so Even imagines it’s what the two of them used to look like from the eyes of their friends, because Isak used to look up at him like that. He’s currently whispering something into Riley’s ear, which is making Riley smile. Noora, who they had been talking to before Isak got distracted, is giving them a fond look, and Even’s chest feels empty, and he just looks, looks, looks, because this isn’t his anymore, and it’s his own fault.

He knows he’s caught Riley’s eye, and he knows Riley is looking right at him being all jealous and mopey, but he can’t bring himself to look away. He misses Isak so much. Riley whispers something to Isak, and Isak nods, pulling back to get his phone out of his pocket, unlock it, and hand it to Riley, who starts doing something with it while Isak stays attached to him.

When he finishes whatever he was doing, he looks back up at Even. His phone vibrates, and it takes a little effort to get into it and see that he has a text from Isak, or Riley using Isak’s phone, he guesses.

_He’s a clingy drunk. You never noticed because he was always like this with you._

Even’s blood runs cold. _Fuck_.

He needs to leave. He needs to get out of here and never come back, because what the _fuck_ is going on? When did Riley figure it out?

Even stands, tries to leave, but he’s too drunk. He gets a little dizzy, and he knows he can’t get home by himself in this state. He’s a lot of things, but he’s not stupid enough to try it.

He makes his way into Jonas’s room, because at least Riley can’t see him, and it will probably be Mikael’s first instinct to look for him in here. He shuts the door, sits on the bed, and tries not to think about what just happened out there. He’s already embarrassed and ashamed, so he’ll probably be mortified when he sobers up.

There are two open suitcases in the corner, and it hurts when Even can’t really tell which is Isak’s and which is Riley’s, but it makes sense with what Even knows. If there’s one thing he doubts will ever change about Isak, it’s that he’s the biggest clothing thief Even’s ever known. Even will never forget the day they moved in together, opening the box of Isak’s clothes to put them away and realizing that almost half of it had belonged to Even at some point, and most of the other half hadn’t been purchased by Isak in the first place, anyway.

He wonders if that’s why Isak dresses differently now. His new friends have a different style, so Isak has to work with that when he steals their clothes. He’d laugh about the idea of Isak trying to pair the purple knitted sweater he sees with his snapbacks and windbreakers if he didn’t kind of feel like crying.

He assumes the door opening behind him is Mikael, so he doesn’t look until he hears “I’m so sorry, Even,” in Riley’s voice. He looks genuinely upset, like he actually has a reason to be sorry for pointing out how gross Even was being. “I was just trying to say there’s nothing to be jealous of, okay? I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know I shouldn’t be jealous. I know it’s disgusting and awful after the way I left him, but I can’t help it, and hiding my emotions has never been a specialty of mine.” Even doesn’t realize until he’s said it that he’s made an even bigger ass of himself, because Riley doesn’t know what happened between them. He figured out himself that Even is Isak’s ex-boyfriend. “Fuck, you don’t know who I am.”

“Yes, I do. Isak talks about you all the time. He said that thing about not mentioning you to make sure I didn’t bring it up, okay?” For the first time, he looks Riley in the eye. He looks concerned, though Even isn’t sure why. “Even, he’s my best friend, and he’s been through a lot, and he thinks you’re just being nice because you feel bad that this happened while you were together.”

Even nods, but then he backs up for a second. “Best friend?” he asks.

“Yeah, of course. That’s why I came with him.” Even stares, dumbfounded, until it hits Riley. “Oh, no, oh my god. I have a boyfriend, Even. Isak and I just live together. I mean, I’ll admit that there was a time when we were kind of a thing, but that was nothing. He needed someone to come with him so he could get through this week, and I didn’t have anything else going on like all our other friends did.” Riley pauses, his eyes wide, and he blushes. “Sorry, I’m rambling. I should let him explain everything to you, but I promise me and him are just friends, and I’m really sorry we gave you the wrong impression.”

Even has to close his eyes, take a deep breath, because he’s just been given way too much information to process while he’s as drunk as he is.

“Fuck, um, can you not tell Isak about this?” he asks.

“He wouldn’t be upset, you know? He’d probably like knowing that you don’t actually hate him.”

“Is that what he thinks?” Riley sighs. Even feels a stinging pain in his chest.

“That’s the last thing he heard you say before he left.” Even hides his face in his hands. Riley puts a hand on his back in support, but it burns, him comforting Even after Even destroyed Isak. “Hey, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said that. You’re both drunk, so there’s really nothing you can do tonight, but we’re supposed to be getting the verdict tomorrow, so maybe you can come support him and you guys can talk.” Even nods.

“Yeah, okay.”

**5 June 2020**

Even knocks on the door to the boys’ apartment at 11am, the earliest he could manage to drag himself out, hungover from the alcohol he drank, but also the tears he cried most of the night after hearing how much he messed Isak up.

Riley answers the door, and Even feels the familiar pang in his chest, though it’s more like regret and shame than the normal jealousy. He guesses that’s better, though, because at least it’s justified.

“Hey, Isak’s asleep on the couch, so we’re in the kitchen.” Even nods, silently agreeing to make his way through the apartment as quietly as he can. He can’t help but look over on the way to see Isak’s sleeping face, soft and relaxed, his hair covering one of his eyes, and his hand delicately resting on his chest where his blanket has slipped off a little. He’s still wearing the sweatshirt he had on last night, but the cuffs have unrolled, exposing how big the sleeves actually are on him, the visible one having slipped down to expose his wrist and the better part of his forearm. It’s comforting to see it move up and down with every deep breath he takes, and it’s hard to take his eyes away from it. Riley doesn’t say anything when it ends up taking him a minute to actually do it.

“Is he okay?” Even asks. He doesn’t expect his voice to be as emotional as it ends up being.

“Yeah, of course. I just don’t think he’s slept through a full night since he heard about Markus being arrested, so we’re just leaving him alone.” Even nods, because he understands that situation very well.

“Poor baby fell asleep before everyone was even out the door,” Magnus interjects, his mouth full of cereal. Even jumps a little. He was so preoccupied that he honestly didn’t even realize he wasn’t alone with Riley.

“He’s older than you,” Riley points out. Magnus shrugs.

“He looks like a little baby when he sleeps, though. Don’t you think?” Riley snorts, taking a seat across from Magnus at the kitchen table.

“I guess that’s fair. I’ve never really thought about it.” He gestures at the two free chairs, and Even takes that as he cue to sit down next to Magnus, who gives him a blinding smile, way too bright for someone who got drunk on a Thursday evening, but Magnus has always been one of those lucky people with almost non-existent hangovers.

“I’ve thought about it. Once, we were all at Isak and Even’s, and he fell asleep, and Even called him ‘baby’ when he was trying to get him up, and I was like ‘aww, he does look like a baby.’ It’s probably because he used to be a bitch, and he’d get mad if you called him cute to his face.” Even’s breath hitches, Magnus’s cheery storytelling not helping at all with the guilt Even feels almost constantly now. 

“Mags, maybe it’s not the best idea to talk about that right now.” His face drops, and Riley looks confused. It occurs to Even that they probably just think he’s being rude and not wanting to talk about the past for his own benefit. “He fell asleep that day because Markus convinced him to stay out the entire night before,” Even explains, and realization comes across both of their faces at the same exact time. It’s almost creepy. “We had an argument about it, actually. I knew he had feelings for Isak, and I didn’t like them being out alone all night.” Even hates himself for that one. He feels the tears welling up, sees everything getting blurry, so he wipes his eyes, hard, and clears his throat. “So, let’s not talk about that man again today unless we’re celebrating that they’re locking him up.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, Ev. I had no idea.” Magnus puts a hand on his shoulder, and Even shakes his head.

“No, of course you didn’t. I’m probably overreacting.” It would’ve gone by faster had he not made a scene, and he has to hope that Isak hasn’t woken up and heard everything he just said.

“Anyway, I’m running late for class. Will one of you text me when we get the verdict?” Magnus asks as he gets up, putting his bowl of cereal on the counter to clean later.

“Jonas is going to send out a group message as soon as Isak gives him permission,” Riley answers. Magnus gives him a thumbs up and heads out the door.

Even feels awkward being alone with Riley, especially after all the drama he’s made in front of him since they met, but he’s going to stay, because he’s going to support Isak no matter what.

Riley takes a deep breath, looking nervous for the first time. “You okay?” Even asks, desperate to get the attention off the scene he just made, but also genuinely curious, now that he’s found it in himself to not hate Riley.

“Yeah, it’s just waiting, you know? Scary,” he says, staring at his phone, as if willing it to ring. “Jonas is waiting at the court, and he’s gonna call us as soon as he gets it.”

“Are there problems or something? I thought it was basically a sure thing that he’s guilty.” Riley sighs, and Even wonders if he’s just been holding it together for Isak this whole time.

“The issue is less if he’s guilty and more if he’s guilty for what he did to Isak. He’s gonna be punished for the girls that came forward, because there was basically no way to deny what they said, but Isak’s story is pretty shaky, because he wasn’t really all there, I guess you could say, and they managed to poke even more holes in it, and them not being able to talk to you was an issue, because-”

“Wait, what? What would they need from me?” Even asks, on edge in an instant after Riley speaks.

“You could’ve confirmed some stuff that would’ve helped, basically, but Isak didn’t want you involved. He told them he’d refuse to testify if they spoke to you at all.” Even nods, a bitter smile on his face, because that sounds exactly like something Isak would do to hurt himself and protect Even. “We were supposed to know something by now, so I’m getting nervous,” Riley admits.

As if on cue, his phone rings. He takes a deep breath before he answers, and it’s been less than five seconds when a huge, relieved smile breaks out across his face, and that _has_ to mean it’s really good news.

“Okay, he’s still asleep, but I’ll tell him. Are you coming back here now?” He can’t wipe the smile off his face while he waits for Jonas’s reply. “Okay, see you later, then. Bye.” 

He kind of just stares at the phone for a minute until Even asks “good news?” and he nods, but doesn’t speak, turning his attention to a sound from the living area. His face goes blank, and Even has to admit that he’s impressed with how fast he could wipe away all visible emotion for Isak’s sake when he enters the kitchen, stumbling as he rubs his barely-open eyes.

“Hi,” he says, and Even’s heart flutters at the gorgeous morning voice he never thought he’d hear again. 

“Morning, sleeping beauty. How do you feel?” Riley asks. His voice is a little cheerier than Even thinks it normally is, but Isak tends to not be able to notice things like that for a good thirty minutes after he wakes up sometimes.

“Like I just came out of a coma,” he says as he sits across from Even, resting most of his upper body on the table. His hand brushes against Even’s skin, and he assumes Isak will move it, but he barely moves at all. “Morning, Ev,” he says, instead of recoiling. It’s shocking, but welcome.

“Morning, Is,” he says. He figures it’s the safest nickname.

Isak gives himself a minute before he sits back up. Consequently, his hand moves away from Even’s, and he feels the loss more than anything else. “What time is it?” he asks. Riley looks at his phone.

“Almost 11:30.” Isak’s eyes are wide and awake instantly.

“Did we get the verdict yet?” Riley nods, taking Isak’s hand.

“Are you ready to hear it?” Again, the lack of emotion on his face is shockingly convincing. Isak takes a deep breath, and it’s quiet for a minute as he gathers his thoughts.

“I’m ready,” he says. The smile returns to Riley’s face immediately.

“Guilty on all counts.”

There’s an excruciating few seconds before Isak reacts, and Even doesn’t look away for any of it. He’s not even sure he blinks, because he doesn’t want to miss a single detail of Isak’s reaction.

He looks at Riley, like he can’t even process what he just said. He looks to Even to see his reaction, to make sure he heard it right, then he takes a deep breath, smiles, his hands shaking and tears welling up in his eyes. The grip he has on Riley’s hand looks painful, but neither of them seem to even notice. “He’s guilty.” It’s kind of a question, but kind of not. Still, Riley nods.

“He’s guilty. It’s over.” The emotion starts to take over Riley as well, his voice shaky and watery. Isak nods, looking over at Even, who gets up, rushing to the other side of the table to hold Isak’s other hand. He’s not sure how Isak can possibly hold on so tight, but he just takes it. He can deal with it.

“I think I’m in shock right now,” he says. Riley jumps up, releasing Isak’s hand.

“Yeah, let’s get you some water.” He moves away from the table, but Even can’t take his eyes off Isak. His free hand is shaking like a leaf, and Even can feel that the one he’s holding is only still because he’s holding it.

“Baby, can I come sit on the other side of you?” Isak nods blankly, but he doesn’t let go of Even’s hand. He just moves along with him, turning in the chair to face Even so it’s more comfortable.

“I have no idea what to do right now,” he admits.

“There’s nothing right or wrong here. It’s a terrible situation, but you won, okay? He’s gonna be in a little cage for years, and you’re gonna continue to live and heal the entire time.” Isak nods again, his eyes filling with tears.

“Well, when you put it like that,” he says, gesturing to the tears that are now falling, a half smile on his face. Even smiles back, and he comes in closer when Isak pulls him into a hug. “I think I’ve cried on you more this week than I did in our entire relationship.” Even laughs.

“Silly boy, don’t you remember when I made you watch Titanic?” Isak pushes Even’s shoulder, but it’s not very effective, since he still has the other arm around Even.

“You said you’d never mention that, you dick.”

“I’m a good liar.” Isak pulls back, and Even’s 93% sure he just did it to make sure Even could see him roll his eyes, but they soften instantly when Even tucks some fallen hair behind Isak’s ear. “I’m really fucking proud of you.” _I really fucking love you._

“Thank you for everything.” _I love you, too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: discussions of sexual assault
> 
> i know i just updated yesterday, but i have Mental Health Issues, and i feel so bad about a) dragging this out and b) taking so long to update my other fic that i just finished this chapter as fast as i could and posted as soon as i did, so i hope that's not too obvious in the writing, but this is the longest chapter so far, so hopefully it's not too rushed.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a long, dialogue-heavy chapter. can you say my worst nightmare?
> 
> check the end notes for warnings

**7 June 2020**

Even has been feeling a current of anxiety under his skin all morning. It’s _finally_ time for him to talk to Isak, to ask questions, to get some answers, to find out what happened, and he doesn’t know why it makes him so nervous. Isak is just a person, a person Even has been deeply in love with for his entire adult life and pining over for half of that, but still just a person.

Mikael has gone out to give them some privacy even though Even told him it wasn’t necessary. Isak requested that they talk wherever Even feels the safest, and right now, that’s his bedroom. He hopes it isn’t too much for him to bring Isak in there, but it’s what he asked for.

Isak knocks on the door at the exact time he was meant to arrive, which tells Even that he miscalculated how much time he needed to get here, arrived early, and stood outside the door so as to not seem too eager or anxious. He used to do it all the time, and it makes Even feel the slightest bit better to know he’s nervous too.

He can tell when he opens the door that Isak’s anxiety is about to boil over, but he looks so, so much better than he did a few days ago, and Even thinks that’s all that matters. “Come in,” he says, stepping aside. Isak is silent as he steps through the door, looking around and taking in Even’s space. “Um, is it too much to go to my room? It’s my safe space, I guess, but we can stay on the couch if you aren’t comfortable.” He bounces nervously on the balls of his feet, too far into his own head to bother hiding his nerves from Isak, who would probably be able to see them anyway.

“Ev, it’s fine. Let’s go to your room.” His nerves are audible, his voice a little shaky and raspy. Even leads him into the room, going in first to give Isak the choice of whether or not to close the door. He closes it.

Even sits on the bed, again giving Isak a choice. There’s a desk chair he could sit in, or he could sit on the other side of Even’s bed. He chooses the bed, sitting with his legs crossed, facing Even head-on. He fiddles with a loose string on his pants, scared to look up or be still, and Even gets it.

“Okay, ask me questions, I guess. What do you want to know?” Isak asks, and Even has to take a second to recover from the shock. He assumed Isak would come in here with a prepared speech, give Even the details that he wants him to know and nothing more, but he’s giving Even all the power here. Of course, he probably won’t answer if he doesn’t like the question, but it’s a lot of trust, not even giving Even any rules to follow.

“What’s off limits?” he asks, because there has to be something.

“The details of what he did to me during. I don’t want those images in your head. Other than that, you deserve all the answers you want.” He still hasn’t looked up, and Even hates it.

“When did it happen?” The question that’s been driving him crazy. He wants Isak to tell him that he’s wrong.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he says. It’s not an answer, but it is. He would’ve told the truth if it wasn’t the night Even thought it was.

“It was the night I specifically asked you to go to his house by yourself.” Even’s eyes burn, and he wonders how it got to this point after two minutes. He thought he’d have at least five.

“Even, no. Don’t do that to yourself. If he hadn’t done it that night, he would’ve just done it another time. He was completely obsessed with me, and he was always going to take what he wanted from me. It’s not your fault, and I’m trying my best to work on admitting that it wasn’t mine either.” His face is blank. His tone is, too. Self preservation, Even assumes.

“What do you mean he was obsessed with you?” Isak takes a deep breath, his hands shaking just the slightest bit.

“He stalked me for months. Probably about the same amount of time we were friends. I didn’t know until the police told me, but there were hundreds of photos of me on his phone. There was even one of us asleep in our bed, and I have no idea how.” He sniffles, and Even feels empty. “He was just waiting for an opportunity. I was alone, and I was stupid enough to trust him. He put something in my drink.” Even wants to hold his hands, to keep him from shaking so much, but he doubts the touch would be welcomed, at least not without clear permission, which Even is a little too scared to ask for. “Fuck, can I just go ahead and tell you what happened that night to get it out of the way?” He looks so scared, so vulnerable, and Even would do anything in the world to take his pain away.

“Of course you can, but only if you want me to know.” Isak smiles bitterly.

“I don’t want you to know, but I think you deserve answers. I told him I felt dizzy, and he said I could lay down until I felt better. I passed out, and then, you know.” He gestures like he’s waving it off, but Even doesn’t even want to think about the images that are probably passing through his head. “It was pretty violent, and I was really fucking scared and confused and hurt, and I was still under the influence of whatever he gave me, but I knew I didn’t want you to see me like that, so I called Eskild. He took me to the hospital to make sure I was okay, and then the denial started.” Even feels sick when Isak chuckles, like it’s somehow a fond memory of his.

“Sometimes I think about how much different things would be if I had stopped hanging out with him the first time I figured out you didn’t like it, or even if I had been honest with you after it happened, and other times I think it wouldn’t have changed anything. I don’t know.” Even feels a tear fall out of his eye, but it doesn’t matter. Isak still won’t look up, so he’ll probably only notice if Even wipes it away.

“I was already planning to leave when we were together. He started sending me these threatening messages, and he had pictures of me, and I just didn’t feel safe anymore. I was scared for you, too. I already wanted to leave Oslo anyway, and I knew it was basically the only thing I could do to protect both of us. I was about to tell you when I figured out you were going to break up with me.”

“You knew before?” Even thought he’d done a good job of acting normal.

“Of course I did. I was depressed, but it didn’t suddenly take away my ability to think, Even. I knew you better than anyone else, and I was never stupid enough to miss the signs of you pullinng away from me. I don’t blame you, of course. You were right.” Isak shrugs.

Even wants to get off the topic of the breakup as fast as possible. He doesn’t want to talk about it, and it’s becoming very clear that Isak is extremely uncomfortable, probably only talking about this because he thinks he owes Even. “Can you please look at me?” Isak does, and while it hurts to see his tear-filled red eyes, he’s relieved that he can. “You don’t have to tell me anything else. You don’t owe me anything, baby.” Isak nods again.

“I want to be done talking about him. I’m gonna have to live with him in my head for the rest of my life, but I don’t have to keep acknowledging him.”

“Baby, that’s so, so fine. We never have to talk about him again. Tell me about the good things you have going on. I don’t just want the sad parts of your life.” Isak is visibly relieved. He smiles, small and faint, but it’s better than tears.

“What do you want to know?” Even shrugs, then sighs.

“Would it be too much to ask if you’ve dated anyone else?” Even asks hesitantly. He doesn’t want to upset Isak, and thankfully, he just smiles.

“I went on one date. It was with Riley, actually, and it ended so badly that I think we were both just completely over it and just wanted to stay friends. There are no feelings there anymore.” Isak looks down, like he’s embarrassed to admit that he had feelings for someone else.

“How did it end?” Even asks. Isak takes a deep breath.

“With me having a panic attack and telling him everything happened after I tried to have sex with him. He had no idea before, and I was still pretty much in denial, and it basically just got to him taking my shirt off before I just couldn’t take it. It was consensual, of course. I just thought I could handle more than I could. My fault, really.” It’s like a switch flips after that. Isak goes from ashamed to smiling in no time. “I went to therapy after that. Can you believe it?” He laughs. Even gives him an exaggerated look of shock.

“You, Isak Valtersen, went to therapy on purpose?” Isak nods, a prideful smile on his face, and Even can’t help it when it spreads to his own. “That’s really amazing, Is. I’m proud of you.”

Isak blushes, mumbling “Thanks.” His body loosens a little, some of the tension he’s been holding draining out of him. “It kind of saved my life. I had no idea how bad I was doing until she pointed it out, and I’ve made some really amazing friends who helped me get through the whole recovery thing. Every one of them offered to come here to support me through this. I hope you can,” he looks up, clears his throat, and shakes his head. “Nevermind,” he says. The fond smile falls from Even’s face.

“What is it?” Isak shakes his head again.

“Nothing, Ev. It was really dumb. I wasn’t thinking.” Even feels that familiar pull in his chest, the pain and longing.

“Issy, please tell me what you’re thinking,” he basically begs, reaching out for Isak’s hand, but stopping himself at the last second. 

“I just talk too much. Sometimes I get ahead of myself and forget that you and I were completely over when I left. I always thought I’d only come back if it was for you, so I kind of just have that in my head, I guess.” He takes a breath, a pained expression on his face. “I think I just let myself get carried away after this week, but I have to remember that you were just trying to support me through this, so I’m really sorry about that. I think I should probably go now, unless there’s anything else you want to know.”

Isak won’t look at him, and Even’s heart starts racing. Isak wants to leave because he thinks it’s wrong that he still has feelings for Even, and he can’t just let Isak go, not after all this. “I do have one more question,” he says. His heart pounds as Isak hums and nods, and he has to take a few deep breaths before he asks “Can I kiss you?”

Isak’s head snaps up, his eyes wide and nothing but shock on his face. “What?” 

“Can I kiss you?” he asks again, letting Isak have all the time he needs to process. He nods, looking dazed, and moves forward, and Even feels like he can breath again for the first time since he left Isak.

He lets Isak take the lead, touch him first, hands on Even’s neck, and Even moves slow when he puts his hands on Isak, making sure he sees the movements clearly. Isak has to move closer, his knee sliding between Even’s legs. They both look like they’re in a trance, and he guesses they kind of are.

Even’s never felt anything more magical than the moment when their lips finally meet again. He never imagined that anything could compare to their very first kiss, not with how much effort Even put in to make that perfect, but this is different. It’s everything. Even feels like he’s finally coming home.

Isak whines desperately into Even’s mouth, gripping his hair and doing his best to pull them closer, even though it isn’t really physically possible. Even holds back, because he’s not sure what Isak’s boundaries are. 

Isak pulls back, resting his forehead on Even’s. He smiles for a minute, absolutely beaming at Even, then his demeanor changes, eyes closed as he takes a deep breath. “Fuck, Even, we shouldn’t have done that. I’m going home tomorrow,” he says. Even’s heart cracks a little. _Home_.

“What?” he asks, too shocked to articulate what he’s actually trying to ask. Isak pulls back some more, avoiding Even’s eyes.

“I’m flying back to New York tomorrow.” Even stares for a minute.

“Home?” he manages to ask. Isak squeezes his eyes shut, bites his lip, the nerves visible in every move he makes.

“Ev, you know I never thought of Oslo as home. It was always a goal of mine to leave, you know? For a while, you, and our apartment, and everything we had was my home, but then _he_ happened, and I just never felt safe again until I was gone.” He pauses, takes another breath. Everything hurts. “I left to find something, baby, and I found it.” His voice breaks at the end, a tear slipping down his face. He doesn’t bother to wipe it away.

“I love you.” He hears the pain in his voice, feels the pain in his chest, sees the pain on Isak’s face. “We can do distance.”

“Even,” he says, like it’s the saddest thing that’s ever come out of his mouth. “Baby, we’re different people now. I’m not trying to say that your feelings aren’t real, or that I wouldn’t love to be with you again, but I’ve changed. A lot, actually, and you haven’t seen a lot of that this week, because I’ve basically been a mess the whole time, but it’s happened, and I think it would kill me to see you lose interest in who I am now.” Even wipes the tears from his own face, watching Isak’s heart break and imagining that he probably looks about the same. 

He’s ready to give up, because it’s his fault that Isak isn’t his anymore, but he changes his mind, puts both of his hands on Isak’s face, and says “No,” in what he hopes was a strong, but sensitive tone of voice.

“Ev, did you forget the part where you already broke up with me before? What makes you think a long distance relationship with someone that you already weren’t happy with is going to be fulfilling to you? Especially when that person has no plans to move back to you,” Isak says, a little forceful, but Even understands that he’s just trying to protect himself.

“I broke up with you because I was a fucking idiot, Isak, and that’s all I can really say about it. I thought I was doing the right thing for your health, and that’s the beginning and the end of that story, okay?” Isak’s eyes soften, and Even’s heart jumps when he realizes he’s starting to get through to him.

“What was the middle?” he asks shyly. Even smiles at him.

“The middle was that I was watching one of the strongest people I’ve ever met in my life start to pull away and depend completely on other people, and I knew that wasn’t him, because he’s this super independent, super smart, crazy strong guy. Also, face wise, he’s pretty attractive, but that’s not really relevant to the story.” Isak chokes out a watery laugh, making even more tears fall. Even wipes them away with his thumb. “Isak, angel, if you’ll give me one more chance, I _swear_ I’ll do everything I possibly can to prove it to you. I don’t care about the distance. I don’t care that we need to start over. I just want you.” Isak’s whole body shakes when he takes another breath.

“I’m scared,” he admits, his voice breaking as a few more tears fall. Even nods.

“I am, too. I haven’t been doing great without you. I’ve put a lot of things on hold because I couldn’t do them without you, and it scares me that I might become dependent on you again, or I might be too different because of how much I’ve struggled the last two years, but you’re so worth it.” Isak looks so, so sad.

“I didn’t know,” he says.

“Of course you didn’t, and it’s not your fault. This whole breakup mess is completely on me, and I don’t want you to argue with that, because it’s true. I made the decision by myself, and nothing that happened was your fault. I understand that you needed to leave.” Isak nods again.

“I never meant for everything to work out this way. I really wish I could explain it to you, but I don’t even understand it myself. I just, like, felt this impulse to drop everything and leave it behind, deal with it when I felt ready. I had a plan to call everyone when I knew what to say, but I just reached this point where I realized that I was _better_ , and I only got that way because I was finally just doing things on my own terms. For the first time ever, I felt like I didn’t owe anyone anything. I wanted to talk to you every single day, but every time I thought about asking Jonas for your number, I’d just hear your voice saying you hate me.” His voice breaks again. Even wipes a few of his tears.

“I want to apologize for that with everything in me. I’m not even going to explain the context, because there’s no fucking excuse in the world for me saying that. All I can really say is that I didn’t mean it, and I hope you can believe that.”

Isak nods. “One more try,” he says. Even beams, pulling him into a hug, which he returns with full force. “There are conditions, though.” Even nods.

“Yeah, of course.”

“We’re not in a relationship until we’re both completely ready, and we have to agree on that. No being jealous of my friends, because I trust them with literally everything, but the thought of dating any of them is repulsive to both me and all of them, so there’s no need for it. Also, you have to be okay with the fact that I may not come back to Oslo for a long time,” Isak explains. Even knows those are going to be hard for him, but that’s probably why Isak made a point of them from the beginning. 

“I can do all of those, on one condition.” Isak raises his eyebrows. “You and I lay here and talk until you have to go. Cuddling optional.” Isak smiles.

“Deal,” he says, untangling himself from Even and rolling onto his side to lie down and look at Even, who faces him from the other side of the bed.

Even has a million things to say, questions to ask, but he lets it be quiet at first as he twists Isak’s hair around his finger, finally just taking him in while they’re both sober and feeling alright.

“Why New York?” he asks after a few minutes, his curiosity getting the best of him. Isak breathes.

“Honestly, I thought I’d fucking hate it. I got accepted to a few international schools, and I thought that going to the one I only applied to because someone told me to would kind of force me to get myself together faster so I could come back to Oslo. I never thought I’d just kind of be dropped into the best situation I’ve ever been in, but by the time I needed to start applying to a different school, I was just in love with it.” Isak looks a little regretful as he explains, but Even knows he just feels guilty for how everything has worked out. He knows it’s kind of selfish, but he doesn’t want to hear anything else about it.

He decides to change the subject. “Jonas said you were in the hospital a few months ago,” he says.

Isak groans, throwing his arms over his face to hide his blush. “God, that was so fucking stupid. I was really hoping you’d forget about it.”

“Not a chance. I was scared out of my mind,” Even says. Isak sighs, putting his arms back down. 

“Okay, well, I was really sick. I had a fever and stuff, so I had been pretty out of it for a few days. I somehow ended up getting worse, so Riley decided to stay home to make sure I didn’t die or something, only I completely forgot, so I was making myself some tea, and he tried to get my attention or something, I don’t remember, and it scared me so bad that I fell back and hit my head on the edge of the countertop.” Even can’t hold back a little laugh at that. 

“Are you _kidding_? Jesus, I thought you were dying or something the way Jonas was acting.” Isak starts laughing too.

“Riley did too, apparently. He was only supposed to call Jonas if I was, like, on my deathbed, but I woke up the next morning and he said Jonas was already on his way. I guess he got freaked out because my head was bleeding and I wasn’t responding to him, but he forgot that I was already super out of it. He called an ambulance and everything. I would’ve killed him if he hadn’t looked so scared when I woke up.” Isak rolls his eyes fondly, and Even can see what he means about loving his friends.

“That had to be scary, though. Remember how freaked out I was when Elias punched you?” Isak hums.

“I remember being drunk and concussed at the same time and thinking you were my knight in shining armor when you kept me from falling on my ass.” Even laughs.

“I bet you don’t remember saying that to me and crying when we got you home that night.” Isak’s eyes widen.

“You’re fucking lying.” Even shakes his head.

“Ask the boys. I think they were all still there. We agreed not to talk about it because you were so fucked up and probably would have thought we were lying to you anyway.” Isak groans again.

“I’m glad I have new friends. You’re all the worst.” Even smiles at him.

They talk, and talk, and talk for hours. Isak tells Even about his friends and how great they are. Even tells Isak about the script he’s writing that seems like it has some promise. They laugh about a video Even recently found of the two of them trying to ice skate that consists entirely of Isak falling and Even dropping his phone immediately after, and when Isak says he needs to go, they walk to the door together, and they hug for not enough time, and they don’t cry when Isak kisses Even’s cheek and says “See you later.”

**8 June 2020**

Even thought he was holding it together, but the second Isak texted him that his plane was taking off and he’d talk to Even when he landed, he completely broke down, sobbing into his pillow until he almost made himself sick from it.

He manages to reign it in before Mikael comes home, which is great, because Isak has followed everyone from his new instagram, and Even would like to look at all the photos and sulk in peace.

He just switches to the list view and starts scrolling, because he wants to see every single memory Isak thought worthy of cataloguing in the last two years.

The most recent photo is of Isak, Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus in their apartment, just looking at the TV, and that’s pretty fitting. There’s a photo of Riley boarding a plane, taken from behind, and there’s one with Isak surrounded by five different people, the friends he was gushing about, and they’re all smiling, and there’s one of him asleep in a hospital bed captioned _dumb bitch hours_ , and there are dozens and dozens of comments from people wishing him well.

He sees a photo of Isak holding a sign at a pro-impeachment rally, and he sees the opportunity to break the ice yet again. He sends the photo to Isak’s DMs, adding _It’s pretty fucking rude to try to get your uncle fired_. He knows it will be a good few hours before Isak gets a chance to respond, so he keeps scrolling. 

He clicks on the profiles of everyone Isak has ever tagged in a photo, scrolling through their accounts to see if they’ve posted photos of him too. There’s a girl named Phoebe that has at least a dozen, and most of them are of Isak smiling and laughing, but a few of them are of him posing dramatically the way he does. A guy named Aiden has quite a few as well. Most of his photos are candids, so there are a lot of Isak just existing, and it fills Even with joy to see photos of Isak studying, hugging his friends, drinking coffee on a park bench, but there’s one of Isak looking annoyed, surrounded by all of his smiling friends in what looks like some sort of club. He’s giving the person taking the photo the finger, and there’s a huge ‘X’ drawn on his hand. It’s captioned _baby can’t drink_ , and Even takes a screenshot so he can look at it every single day for the rest of his life.

Even remembers someone mentioning that Riley is a photography student when he finds his profile, because _holy shit_ , his photos are gorgeous. Most of them are of objects and landscapes, but it looks like he gets a few friends to pose for him occasionally. There are three that stick out as the most common models, Isak being one, a girl--Phoebe, Even thinks--is another, and the last is a man that kind of resembles Magnus, in a sense; Riley’s boyfriend, he assumes.

The photos he’s taken of Isak are absolutely stunning. Even finds himself staring a little too long at one of Isak smiling at the camera, his eyes sparkling. There’s a year old one, when he gets down far enough, where Isak is at a pride parade with his friends, and there’s fucking glitter on his face. Isak Valtersen willingly put glitter on his fucking face.

There’s a swell of pride in Even’s chest, but he’s not sure he has the rights to it. Isak did all this growing on his own, no Even in sight.

He goes back to Isak’s profile, because he’s had enough of someone else’s view of Isak. He just wants to learn Isak again, to know him exactly, and he should stick with Isak’s memories if he wants to do that. He scrolls and scrolls, just absorbing the photos of Isak’s friends, Isak’s home, Isak, the captions showing how his sense of humor has evolved a little, but is still recognizable. He hits a photo from a year ago that fucks him up, because Isak is on a beach in all his shirtless glory, and he has a _fucking tattoo_ across his chest.

This is too serious for DMs, Even decides.

**Isak**

_When the fuck did you get a tattoo????_

He knows he can’t respond right now. He _knows_ , but he still finds himself waiting a few minutes just in case. Obviously, it doesn’t happen, so he returns to instagram.

He’s probably been scrolling for an hour before the painfully obvious weasels its way into his brain.

The person he’s been seeing all week is not who Isak Valtersen is. That was a terrified, traumatized teenager in Isak’s body, being forced to relive the worst thing that ever happened to him in front of an audience intent on judging if his story made enough sense to punish the person that tore his soul apart bit by bit.

That wasn’t Isak. This is Isak; a healthy, happy young man, someone who’s adored by everyone he encounters, someone who gave up everything to make a life for himself away from all the things that once tortured him.

Even’s always known that he’s special, and he wishes with everything in him that he had gotten to witness this transformation, but he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t acknowledge that he would’ve held Isak back.

He never really loved change the way Isak did. In the beginning of their relationship, he thought Isak was the same. He always had the same bedding, the same bag, rotated between the same clothes, and it had been a shock when Even learned that it was less about what he liked, more about the fact that he abandoned everything he owned when he left home and didn’t have enough money for more than rent, food, and alcohol. He loved it, though, learning new things about Isak, and it had never really become an issue for them, because they were still pretty broke by the time Isak left.

And Even had never been anywhere near as keen as Isak was to leave Oslo. He loved it, and he had some bad memories, but the good ones outweighed them. He always knew it wasn’t the same for Isak. Every single good memory he had in Oslo was tainted by something, be it his parents, his sister, his sexuality, his anxiety. In the year and a half they spent together, Isak never told Even a single story about his childhood that didn’t lead to him feeling worse when he was done.

Even imagines that it would have been a point of conflict had they lasted. Isak was eager to leave, and Even was eager to stay. He never would’ve been able to handle the move to a different country, but Isak has always been strong like that. He throws himself headfirst into something, and he figures it out.

Even feels the doubts and insecurities growing in the back of his head. Isak is _happy_. He’s happy without Even, and Even isn’t sure he can add to that anymore, especially not from this distance.

He’s going to try, though, because he could never give up on the love of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: discussions of sexual assault (slightly more explicit that the previous chapters, so please be careful), mentions of panic attacks and depression
> 
> ,,,,, i'm sorry. they have to suffer a little more.
> 
> side note, i'm entirely ignoring the cost of healthcare and a college education in america. i write for fun, and those things give me headaches in real life.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even keeps going

**10 June 2020**

“Even Bech Næsheim,” Mikael calls as he knocks forcefully on Even’s door.

“What?” he calls back.

“If you don’t come out of your room in the next five minutes, I’m staging an intervention.” Even rolls his eyes, even though no one can see him. He’s been out of his room all morning.

“I just got home from an exam.” 

“Don’t care.” Even groans, listening to the footsteps leading away from his door, burying his face in his pillow before he takes a deep breath, forcing himself to leave his safety cocoon of blankets.

He feels raw, exposed, and he’s not really sure why. He hadn’t given Isak any information that he hasn’t already given to Mikael or his therapist, so it’s not like he said something he wasn’t ready to say. If anything, Isak should be the one feeling this way, but judging from the uncharacteristically cheery texts he sent Even when he landed, he probably doesn’t.

Maybe he’s just feeling unsettled by this whole thing; his view of his life and his relationships and his past all being flipped on its head in a matter of days. That was his therapist's theory when he spoke to her yesterday, anyway. Mikael had laid in his bed and badgered Even into telling him everything she said after he got home, and Even suspects he has some sort of plan to try and make Even feel better.

He gets mostly dressed before he leaves his room, just in case he finds himself in the middle of one of Mikael’s ‘don’t think just go’ type plans. He’s never been one to see the appeal of being in public in pajamas, and he doesn’t plan to try it out today.

He’s sitting at the table, looking at something on his phone when Even goes into the kitchen. He looks up, flashes Even a too-enthusiastic smile, and gestures for him to sit. 

“I want you to do something right now that you’ve probably never done before,” he says as soon as Even sits. Even’s eyes widen, fearful of what he’s about to be asked. “I want you to be, like, completely fucking selfish for five minutes.” Even gives him a questioning look. Mikael raises his eyebrows defiantly.

“Selfish how?” Even asks, his voice sounding low and sad, even to his own ears.

“Besides pouting in bed, what do you want to do right now? First thing that pops into your head that would make you the happiest,” he says. Even doesn’t even have to consider it.

“Talk to Isak,” he answers. Mikael’s shoulders drop, disappointed, and Even feels like he’s done something wrong.

“Even,” he says sadly, putting his hand on top of Even’s. “Listen to me. I know you love him, and I can’t imagine how hard this whole thing has been, but you can’t go back to where you were a few months ago. You were doing better before he showed up, and I want to help you stay on track with that, because you deserve it.” Even feels himself tearing up, but he can’t help feeling defensive, like he needs to justify what’s happening to him right now.

“You said you wanted to know what would make me happiest,” he snaps.

“Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry,” Mikael says. Even nods, forgiving him instantly, because his heart is never not in the right place. “Why don’t you tell him to call you when he wakes up? Meanwhile, you’re going to the gym with us. Come on,” he says, standing up and grabbing Even’s arm to try and drag him along.

“I have my last exam tomorrow, Mik. I need to study,” he says, pulling his arm out of Mikael’s grip.

“Were you studying when I knocked?” he asks. Even shakes his head. “Were you planning on studying any time in the next six hours? Or at all, for that matter?” Even nods, even though he’s about 90% sure Mikael will see right through him.

“You’re a bad liar, and you haven’t studied in months. Go change clothes.”

“Mik,” Even whines, hoping it will at least get him somewhere.

“Ev,” Mikael says in the same tone, mocking him. “You need to take care of yourself, and you need to leave this apartment urgently. If you don’t want to join our workout, you can just stare at all our super ripped, hot bodies, but you’re coming.” Even rolls his eyes.

“None of you are hot,” he says, but he gives in, going to his room to change into gym clothes.

“I love you, Even,” Mikael calls out. Even gives him the finger, rolling his eyes when Mikael laughs.

\---

Predictably, Even doesn’t feel like exerting an effort when they arrive at the gym. For the first 20 minutes, he kind of just watches, not really interested, but having nothing else since Mikael took his phone so he wouldn’t just stare and wait for Isak to call.

Then, Elias and Mutta get impatient with his bad mood. They force him to get up, bringing him to the weight bench, and Mutta sits on Even’s lap, telling him he’s not allowed to get up until he has agreed to finish up their workout with them, starting with the weights above his head.

“Fuck, fine,” he mumbles, gripping the bar and allowing Elias enough time to get in a safe position to spot him, because he has a feeling that his friends have overestimated his strength, and he’s not too fond of being injured by gym equipment.

He lifts it a few times, starting to get bored before it starts to feel good--the intense, satisfying burn distracting him from the monotony of the task, making him forget how weak he’s been feeling when he realizes that he’s not struggling as much as he thought he would. He actually likes it, contrary to how he’s felt in the past, and he decides that it’s not that bad, especially with his friends supporting him.

He feels a weird sense of pride when Yousef calls out that he’s done and wants to leave, the rest of the boys agreeing pretty quickly, because they’ve been doing this for twice the time that Even has. They all have the urge to get something unhealthy, to reward themselves for working out, but Even declines to join, because he likes this feeling. He feels a little lighter, his mind a little less heavy. He’d hate to ruin it with some greasy food or vegging out for the rest of the day. 

He leaves by himself, and he stops by the grocery store, picking up what feels like the ingredients to make himself something healthy for lunch and dinner tonight, because his therapist is insistent that he eats three whole meals a day, and he’s been trying his best for the last few weeks. He feels like today has inspired him, and he wants to do better for Isak, but also for himself. Maybe for the first time ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm genuinely so so sorry about how long it took for me to write such a short chapter. i've been really sick, and without going into a whole thing about the state of the american health care system, it's been a nightmare. on top of that, everything i wrote, literally including texts to my friends, were so incoherent that it's shocking. again, i'm really sorry about this, and i hope this chapter was okay.
> 
> also, i made a [twitter](https://twitter.com/glitteryisak) if anyone is interested in anything i have to say
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a visit and some doubts

**15 June 2020**

****

Isak

__

_Would you think it’s weird if I tell you I physically can’t stand the thought of not spending your 21st birthday with you?_

_No, I’ve actually been thinking the same thing. I just didn’t want you to think I was insinuating anything._

__

_In that case, I guess I don’t need to find a super creative way to tell you that Jonas and I bought plane tickets to come see you._

_Really??_

__

_Yep, arriving on the 18th_

_Evennnnnn_ 💖🧡💗💛🧡💖💛  
_I’m gonna cry_

__

_Happy tears I hope_

_Of course. You’re so nice.  
I can’t wait_

__

_I’m too excited. Already packing my bag and everything._

_Wow, okay, I need to make some plans  
Make you fall in love with it and convince you to move here too_

__

_Don’t tempt me_

💗💛💖🧡💗💖💛

**18 June 2020**

Even is ready to jump out of his skin by the time the plane touches down in New York. It was a pretty shitty flight, but it was cheap enough for Jonas and Even to be able to afford it without having to starve for a few weeks, so he really can’t complain, but he’s just so fucking ready to see Isak.

With waiting to get off the plane, going through customs, getting out of the airport and into a cab, and the actual drive, it ends up taking another two hours before they pull up in front of Isak’s building, and Even is kind of exhausted, but it all goes away when Isak walks out the door to greet them, that beautiful smile on his face. Jonas pays for the ride while Even gets out of the car, and Isak immediately runs to him, throwing himself in Even’s arms, and Even can’t help but think about how different this is to the last time they hugged like this. Isak seems so much more at peace here.

Even breathes him in, and he probably holds on for a little too long, but Isak doesn’t make any attempt to pull away.

“I can’t fucking believe he’s already replaced me again,” Jonas says, but he’s smiling. Isak lets go of Even to hug him, too.

“No one could ever replace you,” he says. Even’s chest feels warm from the level of sincerity Isak seems to have developed since living here. “How was the flight?” he asks. Jonas groans.

“I swear to god Isak, if I didn’t love you so much, I would’ve gotten off the plane before we took off. I might not have gotten on at all, actually.” Isak looks amusedly at Even.

“Yeah, I have to agree with that one,” Even says. “Worth it, though.” Jonas agrees. Isak smiles.

“Okay, well, let’s go inside. We’re alone for about an hour if either of you want to shower or sleep or anything,” he says as he leads Even and Jonas into the building.

Even feels a weird sort of nervousness when they get into the elevator. He’s about to see the place that Isak calls home for the very first time, and it kind of feels like a huge deal. He knows it’s probably ridiculous, but he feels his heart speeding up as they approach the door, Isak taking his key out to open it.

He takes a deep breath when he steps inside, takes in the fresh smell, a combination of burning candles and what looks like a small garden on a table in front of a large window on the other side of the room.

“Riley has a thing about fresh herbs, so he basically made that whole area into a garden,” Isak explains when he sees that Even is confused by it.

“I love it,” Even says. Isak’s face lights up at the approval. “I never imagined you being the type to be able to keep a plant alive.” Isak’s smile gets impossibly bigger.

“It’s really easy when you print out the needs of every plant and tape them on.” Even looks back over, now noticing that all the plants actually do have little slips of paper taped to them.

“Mhm, you’re so smart.”

“I forgot how disgusting you two are, holy shit. I’m gonna go nap until there’s someone else here,” Jonas says, rolling his eyes and dragging his bag along further into the apartment.

“Remember where everything is?” Isak calls out. Jonas gives him a thumbs up. Isak turns back to Even, getting a little more into his space.

“Hi,” he says. He looks so amazing when he’s all smiley like this. Even wishes he could capture it in a way that would actually do him justice.

“Hi,” Even replies. Under normal circumstances, this is when he would kiss Isak, but he’s not 100% sure where they stand on that right now. It seems that Isak isn’t, either, because he definitely looks at Even’s lips, but he doesn’t make any moves. “Are you gonna give me a tour?” Even asks, breaking the silence and the tension surrounding them. Isak clears his throat.

“Yeah, of course,” Isak says, grabbing Even’s hand, giving it a minute to make sure Even doesn’t pull away before he leads him further inside.

The place is much bigger than Even expected two college students in New York would be able to afford, but he guesses he shouldn’t make assumptions about Riley’s financial situation, or Isak’s, for that matter. He has no idea what kind of stuff Isak gets into these days.

He tries to take everything in, even though, according to Isak, most of the decorating was done before he even moved in, because Riley is an “aesthetic whore” apparently. It’s a beautiful place and a beautiful sight to see Isak being so at ease, moving around freely and explaining things that he loves to Even.

He shows Even his bedroom, and it’s a bit of a shock. He’s gotten glimpses of it during the few times they’ve skyped or facetimed each other, but those weren’t really a good indicator of what it actually looks like. It’s so, so different from the way Isak used to like things, but at the same time, it really works, fits his personality perfectly, and Even absolutely loves it.

“I’m really excited for you to meet my friends,” Isak says, sitting on his bed while he watches Even look around a little.

“Oh yeah?” Isak nods. 

“Yeah, I think you’ll really love them. Riley too, now that the circumstances are better,” he says, blushing a little at his own implication. 

“Well, then I’m excited to meet them.” Even comes closer, sits down next to Isak. “How are you doing with everything?” he asks. Isak clears his throat, looking at the floor. 

“Much better than last time you saw me,” he says, trying to laugh it off. Even doesn’t budge, though, and Isak looks a little uncomfortable. “I’m doing my best. Eating, sleeping, and getting out of the apartment every day is basically the only goal for the next few weeks, and I’m doing pretty well with that,” he explains. “I’ve had the same job since I moved here, and my boss likes me, so she’s been pretty lenient with me for the last month.” Even grabs Isak’s hand, holding it tight to reassure him. 

“That’s really good to hear, Is.”

“Yeah, um, so how have you been doing?” he asks. Even had broken down and told Isak a lot of things the second time they talked after he left again. Even told him about the episode where he fixated on Isak, the slip in his routines, his struggle to keep up, the debilitating grief when he thought he’d never speak to Isak again. It had been a long, emotional talk for both of them, but Even thinks they’re definitely better off for having had it.

“I think I’m doing better, too. Taking my meds and going to work every day, therapy every week. I have a few months to get myself together before classes start again,” he says, trailing off at the end, because what felt like accomplishments don’t sound that impressive out loud, but either way, Isak smiles at him.

“I’m proud of you,” he says, and Even feels lighter.

He hears a door open, someone calling Isak’s name, and he can’t help but feel that something was interrupted. Isak doesn’t let go of his hand when they leave the room, which kind of makes up for it, but it still doesn’t feel great, because he thought they had a little more time.

Even meets some of Isak’s friends, and he loves them a lot. He meets Riley’s boyfriend, Noah, and a girl named Phoebe that he honestly thinks is one of the best people he’s ever met in his life. Isak seems to agree, judging by how eager he is to introduce her to Even and how much she makes him smile. He loves to see it more than anything.

He finds himself starting to drift off, because it’s 4am in Oslo, and Even has been awake for almost 24 hours. Jonas seems fine, but he got some sleep earlier in the day, and Even doesn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable when they’re more welcome than he is in this apartment.

“Even,” Isak says. Even doesn’t realize his eyes are closed until he opens them. “You can lay down in my room, if you’re comfortable with that. I don’t mind at all.” He looks so sincere, and Even loves him.

“Are you sure?” Isak nods.

Oddly enough, it doesn’t feel weird at all to be alone in Isak’s room. He kind of feels safe, like he’s supposed to be just here.

He changes his clothes, gets into some sweats and a t-shirt. He might get a little hot, but he doesn’t think Isak would appreciate him being half naked at this point. He lifts up the covers, and it smells _overwhelmingly_ like this new version of Isak, the one that’s healing. It’s bittersweet, because it’s very different, but Isak seems _happy_ with his life, his choices, and how can Even ever be sad about that?

**21 June 2020**

Even thinks that sharing Isak’s bed again is literally the best thing that has ever happened to him. He forgot what it was like to wake up next to him, sharing the warmth of their bodies under the duvet, watching him while he’s fast asleep, because jet-lag is a bitch, and Even keeps waking up at 6am.

He gets a little restless around 8am, and he gets up, walking around Isak’s room, looking at his things, but only the ones out in the open. He’s bored, but he’s not a creep. There isn’t really much to look at, though, at least not without Isak to explain what they are and why he has them. Without that, they’re just things, and Even knows Isak well enough to know that he doesn’t just have things to have them. Most of them mean something to him.

So he crawls back into bed half an hour later, this time with his laptop in hand, turning the volume down low enough that he can watch something without disturbing Isak. He shifts when he feels Even, reaching out until his hand is on Even’s thigh, and it makes his heart flutter, the unconscious contact that Even got so used to when they were together, one of the things he missed the most when Isak was gone.

He chooses something mindless, something he’s seen a million times, because he doesn’t really care that much about it. He just needs something to do that isn’t watching Isak sleep for 4 hours, because that can’t possibly be a healthy activity for him. He’s three episodes in when the door opens slowly, and Riley pokes his head in like he’s trying to be as subtle as possible, and he comes in when he sees what he wants, quietly making his way over to the bed, standing over Isak.

“If he wakes up in the next, like, 20 minutes or so, can you keep him in here?” he asks Even. He assumes there’s some sort of birthday surprise waiting for Isak, and it fills his heart to the brim to know that his friends love him so much, so he nods. Riley gives him a thumbs up and almost silently makes his way back out of Isak’s room, shutting the door behind him, and almost immediately, the amount of sound coming from outside Isak’s door doubles, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.

Even puts his laptop on the floor, laying back down and facing Isak. He’s on his stomach, the way he’s always been the most comfortable. His face is turned towards Even, and his eyes are moving under his lids, like he’s dreaming. He looks relaxed enough, so Even doesn’t see any cause for concern until his eyes shoot open. He looks scared.

Thankfully, it’s only a passing look, no more than three seconds before he gained enough recognition to see that he’s safe in his own bed, and he relaxes again, smiling at Even. “Good morning,” he says.

“Are you okay?” Even asks. He doesn’t mean to make Isak dwell on it, but that was a little concerning. Isak shrugs, moving a little closer.

“Just a nightmare. They aren’t exactly a unique experience, Ev,” he says. Even doesn’t buy his nonchalance. Isak rolls his eyes, sort of playfully, but Even also knows that he should drop it unless he’d like to risk actually upsetting Isak. “Baby, seriously, I just get nightmares. I always have. I’m just one of those people that gets them a lot. This one felt real, but I know it wasn’t, and I’m fine.” He raises his eyebrows, as if testing if Even will keep talking about it. He knows he shouldn’t.

“Happy birthday,” he says instead. Isak smiles.

“Thank you. Am I supposed to stay in here while they make the breakfast they think they’ve been subtle about?” he asks. Even snorts.

“For a couple minutes, yeah.” Isak nods, settling back into his pillow for a few more cozy moments in bed. “They really love you, don’t they?” Even asks.

“I told you, they’ve seen me through a lot of shit. I wouldn’t be where I am without all of them. They’re really good people,” he explains. Even feels a sense of longing deep in his chest, because he wishes he had gotten the opportunity to be that for Isak, but it’s too late now. All he can do is learn.

\---

It’s too much, seeing Isak in this environment.

He thought it would be nice, and some of it has. It’s been a full day of Isak’s friends gushing over him and making him happy, but that’s most of the problem.

Isak is fucking happy, and he’s fucking happy here, in New York, with his friends. Not with his family or Jonas or Even in Oslo. It’s a lot to take in, because, even though they were so happy when they were together, Isak has never been _this_ happy.

He finally gets a chance to break away from the group when they get to their final destination of the evening; a bar that they always go to that Isak can finally drink at after two years of sipping on water and soda while all his friends get trashed, and he’s ‘taking fucking advantage’ of that.

He’s well on his way to tipsy when Even sneaks off, finding his way out to the mostly deserted alley where people go for their smoke breaks. He needs to take a fucking breath away from the suffocating love and friendship that’s being thrown around, making it clear why this is the place where Isak finally got a chance to be okay.

He bums a cigarette off a drunk teenage girl who probably came in with a fake ID. He hasn’t ever smoked much, but he needs something right now to remind him to focus and breathe. He needs something in his hands.

He’s smoked about as much as he wants when Jonas comes looking for him, giving him a knowing look when he sees Even leaning against the building with the cigarette dangling between his lips. “You alright?” he asks. Even shrugs.

“I’ve never seen him that happy,” he admits. “He didn’t have that until he left.”

At that, Jonas looks sympathetic. “I get it, Even. It was hard for me at first, but it’s not a bad thing. He wants us here, too. It’s not one or the other.” Even throws the butt on the ground, stomping it out with the heel of his shoe. 

“What if I’m not good for him after all this?”

“You’re an idiot if you think that,” Jonas says, a look of complete sincerity on his face that chokes Even up a little. A million things rush through his head, thank yous and apologies and just things he’s never said through the years, but the moment is interrupted when they hear someone call for Jonas with that distinctly American twang and a very obvious drag in the word, so they make their way back out to the street.

He hears a gasp and an excited “Even,” before he has Isak attached to his chest. “I was worried about you,” Isak says.

“You were?” Even asks amusedly. Isak’s eyes are so bright when he looks at Even.

“Of course I was. I couldn’t find you,” he says. Even hugs him close the way he likes. “I missed you,” he says, much softer, like it’s only meant for Even’s ears this time, and he knows they aren’t talking about Even leaving the bar anymore. The others have already started walking. Even’s pretty sure they said something about calling it a night, but it was hard to process anything but Isak.

“I want you to be my boyfriend again,” Isak says, his words slightly slurred, a pout on his face. Even’s chest feels tight, and he’s not sure he remembers how to breathe, so he kisses Isak’s head to buy himself some time.

“We’ll talk about it when you’re sober,” he says, because he has to. Isak’s eyebrows furrow as he tries to look serious.

“Pinky swear,” he says, holding up one of his hands, a deep look of concentration on his face as he puts his fingers down one by one. Even has to bite his lips so he doesn’t laugh when Isak triumphantly presents his pinky to Even, which he grips with his own. 

“Good enough?” he asks. Isak pretends to consider it for a moment before nodding. “Let’s get you home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, wow, finally had the motivation to get back to this! so sorry it took me so long, and i'm sure this isn't the greatest chapter of this story, but i didn't want to take any longer than i needed to, so i hope it's alright. also, i used some emojis in this chapter, so i hope those show up for everyone, but if they don't, it's just a bunch of hearts.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a goodbye for now

**22 June 2020**

Even’s been milling around in Isak’s room for a couple hours when he hears a deep breath and a small groan of pain coming from underneath the covers of his bed. “You alright under there, sleepyhead?” Even asks. The only response he gets is Isak sticking one of his hands out of the cocoon just enough to flip Even off. “There’s water and painkillers next to you courtesy of your favorite ex-boyfriend if you’d like to open your eyes.”

“In that case, tell that ex-boyfriend that I love him and that he’s ridiculously attractive,” Isak mumbles sleepily, sitting up to rub his bleary eyes and drink his whole glass of water in seconds.

“About that ex-boyfriend title,” Even starts, crossing the room to sit at the foot of Isak’s bed, “do you remember what you said last night?”

“Yeah, I do, and I meant it,” Isak says. Even feels like he could choke on the tension when Isak looks him in the eye. “I know it would be hard with the distance and everything, but I think we can make it. I just- I don’t wanna keep going on like this. I miss you too much to hold back.”

Even moves up on the bed, grabbing Isak’s hand and rubbing his thumb over Isak’s knuckles. “Do you really think we can do long distance?” he asks hopefully. With everything that’s happened, he obviously has some doubts, but he wants this so fucking bad. He wants this even more than he wanted Isak the first time, because now he knows what it’s like to love and lose him, and he can’t do it ever again. He doesn’t think he’ll be okay if he lets go of the love of his life a second time.

“We have to try, right?” Isak asks. “It’s gonna be, like, trial and error and all that, but what else is there?”

Nothing. There’s fucking nothing else.

“You’re right,” Even says, and despite the very obvious and painful hangover, Isak _beams_.

“So, I guess I have a boyfriend, then.”

“A boyfriend that has to get on a plane in a few hours,” Even pouts.

“Well, let’s use them wisely. I’m gonna go brush my teeth so I can fucking make out with you,” Isak says, almost leaping out of his bed. 

_Fuck_ , Even’s in love with this man.

\---

Isak, true to his word, does allow them to spend a lot of the time they have left kissing until their lips are sore and swollen. Even loves every single second of it, even if he has to make a conscious effort to keep his hands on Isak’s arms and neck so he doesn’t get uncomfortable.

“I’m gonna fucking miss you,” Isak mutters as they start to say their goodbyes.

“Oh, wait,” Even says, rushing over to his bag. “I have something for you. We didn’t have a private moment for me to give it to you yesterday.” He rummages through his bag, pulling out the notebook that he finished earlier this year, the one where he poured out his entire heart and soul, all for Isak. He wasn’t sure handing it over was the right call, but he knows, he _knows_ , that this belongs to Isak.

“What is it?” Isak asks, running his finger over the broken down spine.

“I wrote everything I wanted to tell you in here for a while. It’s a lot of sad stuff, and I was in a bad place for a lot of it. You definitely don’t have to read it, but it belongs to you. My heart, you know?”

Isak cracks it open, running his finger over the pages, flipping through them too fast to process anything that’s on them. He cracks the smallest smile ever. “Cheesy,” he says.

“Sorry, which one of us has been wearing a shitty, cheap bracelet from the other for over two years?” Isak huffs and rolls his eyes playfully.

“It was for my own ego. Imagine having a reminder that someone thinks you look like an angel on you all the time.”

Even steps closer, running a hand through Isak’s hair and resting it on the back of his head to pull him closer. The journal drops down onto the table next to them, and Isak’s hands run up Even’s sides, making him shiver when they stop on his ribs. “You do, you know?”

One pull from Isak, and they’re verging on being pressed together, their foreheads both resting on each other’s. Isak pecks Even’s lips, short and sweet, without giving Even a chance to react. “I’m gonna fucking miss you,” he says, lips brushing Even’s skin, warm breath giving him goosebumps.

“It won’t be forever,” Even reminds him. “But you better call me every day, or you’ll break my heart.”

Isak smiles, slightly bitter. “Wouldn’t wanna do that.”

“I don’t either,” Even says, hoping the sincerity is clear to Isak.

“Alright, you two,” Jonas says from behind Isak. They both jump at the reminder that they’re not the only people in the world. “We’ll miss our flight if you keep this up.”

Isak brings him in for one last kiss. It’s chaste -- by their standards, anyway -- but it’s fucking perfect either way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a short filler. i was planning their getting back together talk as way longer than it ended up being, but adding more made it seem redundant with the other talks i've already written.
> 
> we have a final chapter number now! this was my first long multi chapter, and i was scared from the beginning that i wouldn't be able to finish it, but the rest of the final three chapters are partially written already, so i feel good about it now.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for a long time, and I've really been debating whether or not I should post it, because I wanted to write about some pretty heavy subjects. I don't have everything planned out completely, so I'll be updating the tags as I go to include any possible trigger warnings, so please be safe. Thank you for reading this! I appreciate any kind of feedback.
> 
> [my tumblr](https://glitteryevak.tumblr.com/)


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